


You are lovable

by bearcublibre



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Boys In Love, FTM Reader, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Ftm!Reader - Freeform, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild S&M, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence, Self-Love, Shameless Smut, Smut, Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans!Reader - Freeform, magic hrt, self-love journey, trans reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29309253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearcublibre/pseuds/bearcublibre
Summary: During those nights, when I had a little too much mead or ale, it was so hard not to stare at Geralt's heavily muscled frame and the way he, nonetheless, moved so quietly as if he were a big grumpy cat or not to look too deeply into Jaskier’s dark, truly alluring eyes that promised me, he was so much more than a sensation-craving pain in the ass. But I didn’t think I could ever tell them neither my feelings nor how differently my body was than theirs.-------------------------------------A trans bard finds himself in the company of Geralt of Rivia and Jaskier, not knowing that they like him just the way he is and even fall in love with him. But he has his insecurities, needs a hug and a big smooch on the forehead because he is very much in love with both of them, but doesn't know they are too.--------------------------------------This is a mix of a reader's perspective and a original male character's one. You can read it either way for yourself. Enjoy c:--------------------------------------This story is updated once a week on Wednesday.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Reader, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Original Male Character(s), Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Reader, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Original Male Character(s), Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Reader, Jaskier | Dandelion & Reader, Jaskier | Dandelion/Original Male Character(s), Jaskier | Dandelion/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. A Liar's Smile

My heart was pounding so hard, but I was sure nobody could hear it over the wind's angry howl. I was pressed against the wall firmly and I couldn't see Jaskier, who hopefully hadn't been in the hall when princess Pavetta and Duny started levitating in the middle of it. I could, however, see Geralt straining, he was reaching for them in an attempt to save Pavetta from her own power. She may have looked like she knew what she was doing all along, but she was just a child, who barely even discovered her gift.

She could have been the death of us if it weren’t for Geralt. Ultimately, he saved me and Jaskier, who as always was craving this sensation with every fibre of his being.

I never had dared to dream of seeing the cintran court in such a way when I started travelling with Jaskier and Geralt, who always seemed to magnetically attract the weird, cursed and most monstrous creatures and people, not that I mind though. Geralt was right, real adventures make better songs and for Jask and me, who were both bards, Geralt and his lifestyle were a true treasure trove.

Besides, we had our adventures outside of monster-hunting as well. Often, when Jask and I played at a tavern, we could get a pitcher of ale for free and rooms with a discount, so we didn't have to sleep in tents in front of the city or village we were currently hunting for. Well, it was Geralt hunting mostly.

Trying to avoid bar fights and writing songs was adventurous enough for me, though I often saw Geralt fight with monsters and that was even scarier. I was so scared one day he really could get seriously injured, yet sometimes I couldn't help but stare at him in awe when he was mid fighting. I could never believe how he made destruction look so beautiful.

I felt something similar for Jaskier when he was playing his lute and looked so focussed, blending out everything else in the room. I always marvelled at the sight of his almost delicate fingers giving it their all while our voices were resting and it was just him by himself, playing his solo. Nonetheless, the way he played filled the entire room. They both were so beautiful, and I was not sure if they even knew what they did to me.

Especially during those nights when I had a little too much mead or ale, it was so hard not to stare at Geralt's heavily muscled frame and the way he, nonetheless, moved so quietly as if he were a big grumpy cat or not to look too deeply into Jaskier’s dark, truly alluring eyes that promised me, he was so much more than a sensation-craving pain in the ass. But I didn’t think I could ever tell them neither my feelings nor how differently my body was than theirs.

I had noticed, I wasn’t like most people many years ago and only when I found a certain mage called Triss Merigold, who helped me with her potions, I figured out a way to feel normal and even good about myself. After starting to drink her potions,

I was able to sing again without having that horrible feeling of my own femininity haunt me when I was making music. She saved my life.

I'm not proud to be saying this, but Geralt's much higher alcohol tolerance has saved mine and Jaskier's ass way too many times already too. He always got us to our inn's rooms or camp without us getting beaten up and without any of our stuff stolen. Most of the times Jaskier's pants were even still on! Eh, okay, maybe half the time, there, that’s closer to the truth.

This, surprisingly, was one of the evenings Jaskier managed not to foolishly lose his pants after seeing the first intriguing lady or pretty lord. Yet, I can't say Jaskier or me were sober after the marriage ceremony of princess Pavetta and Duny. Nonetheless, we tried our best to let our behaviour seem as socially acceptable as possible in between of our drunken giggles.

But after Geralt was involved in the whole child surprise affair due to saving Duny’s life, who felt the need to repay him with the Law of Surprise, I saw this hopelessness in his eyes as he left the room, I was almost sober for just a moment. Something in me clicked. I ran after him, but Mousesack reached him before me, advising him to stay and take care of Pavetta, her magic and also her child, his child surprise. One could practically see that there was no way he could do that. He was a warrior, not a part-time dad.

Mousesack left and then I realised, he knew, I had listened and had been there all along, hiding in the shadows.

"Wanna come out here already?", Geralt asked, his voice weighed down with weariness, but his lips wore a slight, gentle smile. Occasionally they did that for me, and I felt flattered, but very concerned, it was a liar’s smile.

"I'm worried about you", I just blurted out, the smile dying instantly. I swept one of my curls out my face nervously, why was I so nervous? Perhaps because I just realised, he was so much more human than he liked to admit. He had emotions, he had thoughts, he was just like the rest of us, wasn’t he? Maybe he loved just like the rest of us too?

What a silly thought of mine.

I made a step towards him, reaching out to him, but Geralt pulled away, faintly shaking his head before turning around and walking, not running, away. Still, he was too fast, and I was too caught up in my own head, in interpreting what this shake meant, to follow him.

My best guess was, he needed time to sort his thoughts and I'd have to accept this even if I wanted to help him so badly. So, I decided to find Jaskier before returning to our sleeping accommodation, where I hoped I'd find Geralt in the end.

I found Jask flirting, of course, I’d find him flirting. He always looked for the next pantry to put his sausage in. Often, he also tried his luck with Geralt, who seemed absolutely oblivious to that certain kind of attention. I knew how much Jaskier actually liked him, even if he’d never say it aloud because all three of us knew, Geralt never reciprocated feelings, he simply ignored them.

Hell, I knew how much I liked Geralt. I sighed to myself, smiling tiredly to Jask when he noticed me treading closer. Though Jaskier was such a sweet person as well and I couldn’t deny what I was feeling for him as well, I couldn’t help my jealousy well up whenever he flirted with anyone else except Geralt, simply because I was so used to that already. It may well up, but I never said anything, he’d never like a guy like me anyway.

He left his flirt and came to meet me as he looked at me with this puppy doll eyes look, I hated and loved at the same time. He looked adorable like this, but when he wanted something from me and had that look on, I simply could never tell him no. Gently he put his hand on my shoulder and now that we were closer, I realised, it wasn’t exactly that look. Jask looked sadder and even a bit worried. He asked quietly with such a soft tone, staring right into my eyes as if he was looking directly into my soul, “What’s up? Where’s Geralt?”

I shrugged, I didn’t exactly feel like talking, I felt like cuddling and getting drunk. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of betrayal. I should be with Geralt and he should know he had found a safe space in me to pour his heart out. I gladly tended to his physical wounds, so why not help with a few of the ghosts haunting him too. It was not easy seeing him hurting.

“Let’s just get ale and go to sleep finally, Jask. We had a damn long night!” My voice sounded so weary and truth be told, I felt truly done, now that Geralt wasn’t with us. Why would he leave me alone here? Truth be told, he was an anchor – my anchor, in such busy affairs. He was in that one quiet corner, where your mind could rest for a bit. Now everything, I felt, sent my mind into overdrive, the colours were painfully bright, and everything was so loud. Quietly, I added, “Please, Jask”

I hadn’t felt this way in so many years. There was a part of me, I thought, I had buried to become the way I was now, but I felt it crawl out of the still frozen spring soil now, coming back oh so painfully slowly while everything else was quickening around me, only I was frozen solid, cursed to thaw glacially as my winter ends.

Meanwhile, Jaskier quickly nodded, grabbing a large pitcher of ale before walking me to our rooms. He was talking, still, I could not even understand one word out of the waterfall. Occasionally, I nodded to keep him happy.

Then I heard one sentence, only one, in clarity, echoing through the hallway, drenched in sadness, concern and common honesty, “Please tell me what’s up”. Jask sounded broken.

“I- I don’t know”, an answer of necessity. “I’m just tired, I think”, I wasn’t honest, but I didn’t want him to be so worried. He looked at me sternly, a look I'd never known from him and I couldn't return it without the lingering feeling of guilt. Gently he put a hand on my cheek, caressing it softly as I froze up, not able to do anything but helplessly watch what Jask would do next. I trusted him, nonetheless, this was scary, and I didn't think anything at all when I asked him, “C- can you stay with me tonight? Please?”

Everything felt too much. Jaskier's presence would only send me into overdrive, why did I ask such a stupid question? Perhaps because I liked him... Perhaps because I hoped when he found out that I wasn't like any of the men he had slept with before, I’d still have any merit at all in his eyes.

I knew I wouldn’t.

Yet, I earned another gentle gesture, a nod this time and then Jask swept another one of my unruly curls out of my face. My cheeks began to heat up. This was the closest I had ever been to him, our faces right in front of each other.

“Of course, dear", And then I knew I had asked him because even if he was a pain in the ass most of the time and sent my senses into overdrive, he'd also soothe them when it was his time to do so, just as he did right now with his right, uncalloused hand and his beautiful voice. He drove me mad and soothed me at the same time.

Jaskier put the pitcher down on my bedside table, and I quickly got myself a cup to drink. I felt overwhelmed and when I was younger being drunk eased these feelings somewhat. I didn’t want to have to feel anything, yet here I was.

I offered Jaskier a cup of ale as well and he chugged it just like I did the moment before I realised, I'd have to sleep in my binder, so he wouldn't notice my chest. It made me nervous, but it would be fine even if it meant my back would hurt worse tomorrow. I didn’t dare count the hours I had worn it already.

The effects of potions could only go so far, especially since Triss only gave me vials with a temporary effect, which could mostly be reversed again. I didn’t like the thought of this, but what else was I supposed to do? The price of those vials, however, was temporary only as well. As long as I drank my bimonthly potion, I wouldn’t have the ability to bear, but if I ever stopped, I’d regain it. I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to.

After a few cups of ale things between me and Jaskier loosened up. I even managed to smile, and I felt considerably less sensitive now, yet still, I noticed Jask's flirts. I wouldn't grant him a lot today, but I did want him to cuddle me. We'd often hug, but it had been a while since I'd genuinely cuddled with someone.

“Jask, come here", I slurred and let myself fall onto the bed. I felt warm and fuzzy. My head was spinning, but in a good way.

He sat next to me on the bed and laid my face bare from all the locks that had fallen into it once again. I realised how much I had kept from him and Geralt in all those years, how much fear there was actually in me and how much I wished it would finally go away even though I had no hope it ever would. Jaskier asked quietly, “You really want me to stay?”

I nodded to answer, putting my hand over his, which had found my cheek again - “Please, Jask”.

He lied down next to me, tugging the blanket out from under us and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I liked being the little spoon.

And although I expected him to at least make one or two sexual jokes or rub his rod against me, nothing happened. I knew how hard he had gotten behind me, his breath, hot and quick, upon my neck and him straining to find the borders of what was appropriate as I felt oddly flattered.

Slowly I turned around to find him blushing and so close to me. Just one kiss. I told myself, it'd be just one kiss. One kiss was all I needed to be sated.

Just one kiss. Just one little kiss.

Our lips got closer now, his were so soft upon mine. I never pegged Jask to be such a gentle kisser, so sweet and though I knew how greedy he wanted to be, he let me choose a slow pace at first. I sure knew how greedy I wanted to be with him.

Then, however, it felt too good to be true and I realised why, when his hands started an attempt to undress me. This was, what I was so scared of. Quickly, I tugged my shirt back down, shaking my head with a terrified look in my eyes, I knew it had to be there.

Jaskier was still so close to me. I heard his hot breath so loud suddenly. “S- sorry", Jask muttered, sounding genuinely concerned, confused, but more worried, pulling his hands up in an apologetic manner, “I can go if you'd like me to".

Again, I shook my head, turning around and slowly easing back into his arms. “Let's only cuddle, Jask, please”, I whispered and felt him nod against my neck. I knew he wanted an explanation, but I just couldn’t tell him, how could I?

Slowly I fell asleep now. It truly had been such a long night and this rest was so sorely needed right now. We both dozed off into a drunken slumber.


	2. Late Night Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt wakes Jaskier and our reader in the middle of the night because he is so drunk, he can barely walk. And with the smell of Jaskier on our reader, he becomes jealous.

I awoke to a rumble outside the door, heavy steps dragging across the floor in the middle of the night. It had to be Geralt. I was almost sure he was injured by the way he crept around. Quickly I pulled out from under the sheets and out of Jaskier’s grip. He was quite the teddy bear, I had to admit. As quietly as I possibly could, I snuck out and saw Geralt’s heavily muscled frame as he held himself up on the walls.

“Oh Geralt”, just quietly slipped out of my mouth, still, he had heard it. Now he was looking at me with his wide-open pupils and I noticed the stench of what had to be possibly a gallon or more of mead and ale, concerning me even more. He wasn’t injured, just totally drunk and he didn’t get hammered if there wasn’t something bothering him that he couldn’t solve with his sword.

He grunted into the quiet, “I’m fine!”

“No, you are not!”, I sighed, coming closer and holding him up when I noticed the pace of his breath pick up. We were so close, and I felt incredibly small with him towering over me. Then, I saw his nostrils flare, inhaling deeply.

He growled, “You smell like Jaskier”.

“I - “, I didn’t even get to explain.

“Did somebody say my name?”, I heard Jask walk over to us with an audibly cheeky smile on his face. Such a goofball.

I smiled in disbelief as well as surprise and shook my head at the fact that this sleepyhead had managed to get up, “Come on, get over here and help me with this hammered idiot”. I was still holding Geralt up.

“I’m not an idiot!”, Geralt exclaimed and I looked up, scoffing at him, replying, “But you’re hammered, how much did you even have to drink?” The concern in me arose again and I felt him pull me close to himself. All of him was such an intense experience, I thought to myself as he stared right on through me, his hand on my shoulders, firmly but in no way painful.

“Why do you smell like Jaskier?”, his golden eyes pierced right through my façade of coldness I wanted to maintain until I got him into his bed, but now he made me feel like an ashamed little boy, who had been found guilty with his hands in the cookie jar. I smelled the alcohol on him even more clearly now. He made a disgruntled look, and I sensed his anger that slowly filled the room now. His hands crept down on me, one holding my hip, while the other was on my back, right over my binder, making me a nervous mess. I was too sensitive to feel him so close and I could neither move nor talk because his presence was too intense for me to bear.

Jaskier put his hand on my shoulder, “Because we cuddled after you just left without telling us anything”, he firmly answered, a hint of judgement in his voice. How could he be so calm? Didn’t he feel that Geralt was like a storm brewing on the horizon, coming closer with every second now? Geralt raised one of his eyebrows, scrutinising Jask, who looked right back, standing his ground. He was so brave but stupid.

“Let’s just all go to bed”, I whispered. Somehow, I found some faint words upon my tongue, that just so happened to make sense as I tried to mitigate the whole situation because I was afraid, if I left Geralt out here any longer he might do some very stupid things and Jaskier’s cocky nature wouldn’t be of any help in calming him down.

Jask’s face was so close to mine once again and his cheeks began to blush, asking, “Can I stay with you?” And I got so red thinking about it too, of course, I wanted him to stay.

“Absolutely not”, Geralt deadpanned, well, maybe not deadpanned, more annoyed with that hint of suppressed rage. My eyebrows shot up.

I looked at him in disbelief, for a second I felt my own rage veiling my sensitivity, “Excuse you? I’m my own person, and I’m very much able to decide on my own who I’m gonna cuddle with!” Most of my childhood I had spent being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do. Fuck those rules. I’m playing by my own set of them now and if Geralt thinks he can shove me back into the box I had crawled out of, he was badly mistaken.

I crossed my arms and left them both standing in the hallway, pulling away from their warm hands. Who was Geralt to think he can tell me what to do and not to do? I didn’t care what any of them wanted, I wanted to sleep, and they’d have to solve their problems like big boys. I refused to be their foster parent.

Already, while I walked to my room’s door, I felt Geralt big hand on my shoulder. “Stay with me”, he was pleading quietly, his golden eyes emitting a soft glow and begging me as I turned around to meet his gaze. Geralt quietly added a, “Please”, through his gritted teeth. A word I had never heard coming out of his mouth nor had I ever expected it. He never begged, he never showed weakness, why would he do so now? Automatically my frown loosened up and I nodded softly. He had a reason, so my curiosity took over.

“You too, Jaskier, I want you with me”, Geralt whispered. He truly must have drunken a gallon or more because sober Geralt would have never said any of those things.

“Are you sick? What’s going on Geralt?”, Jaskier mocked him, I could hear the sadness drip from behind the mask of jeer, “You hate me! Have you forgotten that already? I’m your pain in the arse of a barker!” Now his anger was filling the room, while Geralt’s presence was much sadder, much more filled with hurt. I felt him.

“Jask, let him be”, I tried to calm him down.

Geralt sighed, letting me go, and went over to Jask gracefully, putting his hand on his hip in a gentle manner. First, he looked down, seeing how dainty Jaskier’s hip looked under his big hand, then he deeply looked into Jaskier’s eyes, who meanwhile, returned it defiantly. “I- uhm”, Geralt took a deep breath, “I realised, I like- love…”, he sighed, looking down. I’d never seen him act so shyly.

Then he just leaned in to kiss him, pulling him closer, clinging to him as a drowning man would to a big piece of driftwood. Geralt wasn’t a man of big words, instead, he showed his feelings veiled in actions, I realised. I could see how Jaskier’s anger subsided into a mellow and delightedly surprised feeling. He deserved that.

I felt left out, and my heart tightened up to a sad little ball at the fact, Geralt wouldn’t like me nor would Jaskier, but even in my sadness, I was happy they had found each other. Quietly I turned around to sneak back into my room and get my binder off. My ribs ached. At least they’d be happy, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else in my bed.

But then I heard his voice again, Geralt’s soft voice pleading, “And when I ran off, away from you, I realised I like, no, so much more… love”, his voice died, I turned around once again to see him staring at the floor, such a nervous aura surrounding him, “…You too”.

He sighed quietly, exhaust audible through it, as he was looking over to me. I didn’t think when I answered with a scoff, “I thought, you liked Jask?” I hoped so much he couldn’t hear the masked heartache in my voice.

“I like you both, I- “, his golden eyes looked so lost during this dramatic break when they met my look of doubt, “I’m confused, but I know, I do. I do like both of you”.

“Are you sure it isn’t just the ale talking, Geralt?”, though I knew he was sober enough to walk on his own by now, he sobered out ridiculously fast, I still wasn’t convinced he really liked me. He had to be fucking with me. No one could ever like me. At the latest, when he realised, I lacked certain parts and had others in return, he’d be sure that he didn’t like me.

He came closer, his hand still on Jask’s hip. He just pulled him alongside to me while his other hand crept up to my cheek, “I’ve had those feeling for you for so long now”. An honest but shy smile graced his lips. He looked marvellous in the moonlight and so did Jask, yet I couldn’t help but feel the anger in my chest welling up.

I shook my head, my curls flying around, “No”, I said resentfully, maybe a bit too harsh, but better tell him now than get my heart broken and the reputation ruined, I had built with such great effort.

“No one can love me”, I said harshly, reciting what I had been taught over and over in all my life as I looked away from those marvellous golden eyes. Believing it with every fibre of my being. Suddenly I was just the child, I thought I had left behind so long ago. That broken child with no hope of happiness, no hope of living to see any age beyond 13. I felt tears rush down my cheeks. They could never know, but I was unlovable, scarred and unlovable. I was broken and had already been made from flawed material. They would never understand the reasons I was bitter.

I wasn’t full-on sobbing yet, but I could feel more and more tears streaming over my face and I heard my ragged breathing. They would never understand why I was crying like this. I had promised myself to never cry again because of this, but here I was.

Jaskier put his hand on my cheek, wiping away some tears, “You are loveable, believe me, please”

“You definitely are loveable”, Geralt said anxiously with more than just a hint of worry in his voice.

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head again. “You wouldn’t tell such lies if you knew what I am”, I told them surprisingly firmly and harshly. My voice sounded brokenly and angrily through the hallway. It suddenly was so cold out here. A shiver ran down my spine and all the love in the world wouldn’t help me, so why should I keep chasing it?

Geralt just pulled me close, making it so hard to hate him for trying to love me. My head was resting on his chest and his arms pulled me into a gentle yet firm hug. I shuddered. Then I felt Jaskier’s head on my shoulder and his arms wrapping around me from behind, hugging my shaking body. I was so angry at me, at the world, at Jask and Geralt, who didn’t deserve to be punished by me in such a manner. They deserved to find their happiness in each other without being bound to all my flaws.

“I’m not the kind of man you two are”, I blurted out finally as I looked up into Geralt golden eyes, which reflected the moonlight oh so beautifully and softly. They had a delicate silvery shimmer in them now.

He smiled gently, caressing my cheek with his calloused fingers, “I’ve known this for so long already, my love”. Why would he know? My heart started racing. I thought Triss’ potions finally gave me the ability to live in stealth and peace. My mind thought of any- and everything. If he knew, who else would know my secret?

He interrupted my thoughts, “Your uhm- Your smell”, he took a break to find words, “It changes when you… You know? My ability to smell is a curse and a blessing”. He didn’t need to put it in different words for me to know he meant my monthly bleeding, just a curse to me, not a blessing. But if he only knew due to his heightened senses, it wasn’t likely someone else knew too. I was relieved.

“Jaskier doesn’t know though”, he remarked, wiping away the last stray tear with such genuine tenderness, I held my breath in awe. I didn’t know he was able to such adorable gestures. My entire body was shaking. Maybe he and Jaskier did deserve to know the truth about me after all.

I swallowed heavily again, slowly turning around to find Jaskier’s curious look, staring at me with those puppy doll eyes. “Would you tell me what you meant? Why are you different? I haven’t noticed why you should be any different from me. But I mean, obviously, everyone’s different from that pretty hunk of a man, so you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to him anyway”, he babbled at a quick pace. Jaskier said the silliest things and I loved him for it. He made my heart lighter with every sentence even if I had to tell him now. I could do this.

“Well, I uh- “, I avoided his piercing look, “I was born without certain parts, but I have some others I shouldn’t have”. I felt his confusion grow. Jask tilted his head slightly. I took a deep breath before just saying it straightforwardly and as emotionlessly as I could press it over my stubborn lips, “I was born a woman”.

“And?”, he asked, smiling calmly, “That’s it?” Of all the reactions, I had carefully collected in the past years, I never thought I’d have to add one to my collection now. Jask kissed my forehead sweetly and told me, “You’re more than your parts, love!”

My face was red, I was hot and cold, and I was sweaty too. I had been so on edge, but with no warning my weariness overcame me, so it was no surprise at all my yawn came right after Jask’s last sentence, though I couldn’t help but smile shyly now. I was so happy, they wouldn’t hate me.

Geralt tucked my head under his chin, his hands were still wrapped around me, “How about we finally go to sleep now? Together?” He definitely was sobered out now. Exhaustedly I nodded before I felt his arms let go of me and instead, he took my hand and then Jask’s too to pull us into his room, which happened to be the largest of them.

“How are we all even gonna fit in one bed?”, Jask asked the obvious.

Geralt squeezed his hand gently, “We’re gonna make it work somehow, don’t worry”

I struggled so much to keep my eyes open, still, when I saw Geralt undress and lay down in just his smallclothes and Jaskier did the same, I felt the panic in me stirring again. I was the last one to stand in the room and getting increasingly worked up about what they’d think of me if I took off my binder and gave my probably bruised ribs a much-needed rest. I was happy, they seemed to take it well, but now that they could see my body, see just a fraction of my flaws up close, I felt my fear take over.

I was shaking, I couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t worry either”, Geralt got up and came closer to kiss my puckered forehead, “You can take it off, we won’t judge you for things you aren’t at fault for”. I was way too tired to think about why he would know about my binder, so I turned around, telling them, “Please don’t look”, as I shakily started unbuttoning my nice dress shirt, I had purchased just for playing at Cintra’s court. Feeling the texture of the cloth underneath my fingers grounded me.

Then I began untying the laces of my binder before I got out of my slacks as well. When I turned back, I found them both covering their eyes with their hands and lying on the bed, Jaskier had cuddled up to Geralt already, his head on his massive, inviting chest.

I just had to giggle before I got under the blanket, which I carefully pulled over my chest, and laid my head down on Geralt’s bare chest too, who then wrapped his arm around me and the other around Jask, pulling both of us closer. Jask threw a warm and sincere glance my way and smiled before closing his eyes.

In the end, it was just enough space and my ribs weren’t nearly as bruised as they could have been if I hadn’t told my loves. There was so much to talk about when morning came, but as of now I just wanted to enjoy the warmth and how softly Geralt and Jaskier were treating me. Maybe I did deserve to be loved, after all, maybe I really did.

This time I didn’t need an alcohol-induced slumber. This time everything was all right.

I awoke to a rumble outside the door, heavy steps dragging across the floor in the middle of the night. It had to be Geralt. I was almost sure he was injured by the way he crept around. Quickly I pulled out from under the sheets and out of Jaskier’s grip. He was quite the teddy bear, I had to admit. As quietly as I possibly could, I snuck out and saw Geralt’s heavily muscled frame as he held himself up on the walls.

“Oh Geralt”, just quietly slipped out of my mouth, still, he had heard it. Now he was looking at me with his wide-open pupils and I noticed the stench of what had to be possibly a gallon or more of mead and ale, concerning me even more. He wasn’t injured, just totally drunk and he didn’t get hammered if there wasn’t something bothering him that he couldn’t solve with his sword.

He grunted into the quiet, “I’m fine!”

“No, you are not!”, I sighed, coming closer and holding him up when I noticed the pace of his breath pick up. We were so close, and I felt incredibly small with him towering over me. Then, I saw his nostrils flare, inhaling deeply.

He growled, “You smell like Jaskier”.

“I - “, I didn’t even get to explain.

“Did somebody say my name?”, I heard Jask walk over to us with an audibly cheeky smile on his face. Such a goofball.

I smiled in disbelief as well as surprise and shook my head at the fact that this sleepyhead had managed to get up, “Come on, get over here and help me with this hammered idiot”. I was still holding Geralt up.

“I’m not an idiot!”, Geralt exclaimed and I looked up, scoffing at him, replying, “But you’re hammered, how much did you even have to drink?” The concern in me arose again and I felt him pull me close to himself. All of him was such an intense experience, I thought to myself as he stared right on through me, his hand on my shoulders, firmly but in no way painful.

“Why do you smell like Jaskier?”, his golden eyes pierced right through my façade of coldness I wanted to maintain until I got him into his bed, but now he made me feel like an ashamed little boy, who had been found guilty with his hands in the cookie jar. I smelled the alcohol on him even more clearly now. He made a disgruntled look, and I sensed his anger that slowly filled the room now. His hands crept down on me, one holding my hip, while the other was on my back, right over my binder, making me a nervous mess. I was too sensitive to feel him so close and I could neither move nor talk because his presence was too intense for me to bear.

Jaskier put his hand on my shoulder, “Because we cuddled after you just left without telling us anything”, he firmly answered, a hint of judgement in his voice. How could he be so calm? Didn’t he feel that Geralt was like a storm brewing on the horizon, coming closer with every second now? Geralt raised one of his eyebrows, scrutinising Jask, who looked right back, standing his ground. He was so brave but stupid.

“Let’s just all go to bed”, I whispered. Somehow, I found some faint words upon my tongue, that just so happened to make sense as I tried to mitigate the whole situation because I was afraid, if I left Geralt out here any longer he might do some very stupid things and Jaskier’s cocky nature wouldn’t be of any help in calming him down.

Jask’s face was so close to mine once again and his cheeks began to blush, asking, “Can I stay with you?” And I got so red thinking about it too, of course, I wanted him to stay.

“Absolutely not”, Geralt deadpanned, well, maybe not deadpanned, more annoyed with that hint of suppressed rage. My eyebrows shot up.

I looked at him in disbelief, for a second I felt my own rage veiling my sensitivity, “Excuse you? I’m my own person, and I’m very much able to decide on my own who I’m gonna cuddle with!” Most of my childhood I had spent being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do. Fuck those rules. I’m playing by my own set of them now and if Geralt thinks he can shove me back into the box I had crawled out of, he was badly mistaken.

I crossed my arms and left them both standing in the hallway, pulling away from their warm hands. Who was Geralt to think he can tell me what to do and not to do? I didn’t care what any of them wanted, I wanted to sleep, and they’d have to solve their problems like big boys. I refused to be their foster parent.

Already, while I walked to my room’s door, I felt Geralt big hand on my shoulder. “Stay with me”, he was pleading quietly, his golden eyes emitting a soft glow and begging me as I turned around to meet his gaze. Geralt quietly added a, “Please”, through his gritted teeth. A word I had never heard coming out of his mouth nor had I ever expected it. He never begged, he never showed weakness, why would he do so now? Automatically my frown loosened up and I nodded softly. He had a reason, so my curiosity took over.

“You too, Jaskier, I want you with me”, Geralt whispered. He truly must have drunken a gallon or more because sober Geralt would have never said any of those things.

“Are you sick? What’s going on Geralt?”, Jaskier mocked him, I could hear the sadness drip from behind the mask of jeer, “You hate me! Have you forgotten that already? I’m your pain in the arse of a barker!” Now his anger was filling the room, while Geralt’s presence was much sadder, much more filled with hurt. I felt him.

“Jask, let him be”, I tried to calm him down.

Geralt sighed, letting me go, and went over to Jask gracefully, putting his hand on his hip in a gentle manner. First, he looked down, seeing how dainty Jaskier’s hip looked under his big hand, then he deeply looked into Jaskier’s eyes, who meanwhile, returned it defiantly. “I- uhm”, Geralt took a deep breath, “I realised, I like- love…”, he sighed, looking down. I’d never seen him act so shyly.

Then he just leaned in to kiss him, pulling him closer, clinging to him as a drowning man would to a big piece of driftwood. Geralt wasn’t a man of big words, instead, he showed his feelings veiled in actions, I realised. I could see how Jaskier’s anger subsided into a mellow and delightedly surprised feeling. He deserved that.

I felt left out, and my heart tightened up to a sad little ball at the fact, Geralt wouldn’t like me nor would Jaskier, but even in my sadness, I was happy they had found each other. Quietly I turned around to sneak back into my room and get my binder off. My ribs ached. At least they’d be happy, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else in my bed.

But then I heard his voice again, Geralt’s soft voice pleading, “And when I ran off, away from you, I realised I like, no, so much more… love”, his voice died, I turned around once again to see him staring at the floor, such a nervous aura surrounding him, “…You too”.

He sighed quietly, exhaust audible through it, as he was looking over to me. I didn’t think when I answered with a scoff, “I thought, you liked Jask?” I hoped so much he couldn’t hear the masked heartache in my voice.

“I like you both, I- “, his golden eyes looked so lost during this dramatic break when they met my look of doubt, “I’m confused, but I know, I do. I do like both of you”.

“Are you sure it isn’t just the ale talking, Geralt?”, though I knew he was sober enough to walk on his own by now, he sobered out ridiculously fast, I still wasn’t convinced he really liked me. He had to be fucking with me. No one could ever like me. At the latest, when he realised, I lacked certain parts and had others in return, he’d be sure that he didn’t like me.

He came closer, his hand still on Jask’s hip. He just pulled him alongside to me while his other hand crept up to my cheek, “I’ve had those feeling for you for so long now”. An honest but shy smile graced his lips. He looked marvellous in the moonlight and so did Jask, yet I couldn’t help but feel the anger in my chest welling up.

I shook my head, my curls flying around, “No”, I said resentfully, maybe a bit too harsh, but better tell him now than get my heart broken and the reputation ruined, I had built with such great effort.

“No one can love me”, I said harshly, reciting what I had been taught over and over in all my life as I looked away from those marvellous golden eyes. Believing it with every fibre of my being. Suddenly I was just the child, I thought I had left behind so long ago. That broken child with no hope of happiness, no hope of living to see any age beyond 13. I felt tears rush down my cheeks. They could never know, but I was unlovable, scarred and unlovable. I was broken and had already been made from flawed material. They would never understand the reasons I was bitter.

I wasn’t full-on sobbing yet, but I could feel more and more tears streaming over my face and I heard my ragged breathing. They would never understand why I was crying like this. I had promised myself to never cry again because of this, but here I was.

Jaskier put his hand on my cheek, wiping away some tears, “You are loveable, believe me, please”

“You definitely are loveable”, Geralt said anxiously with more than just a hint of worry in his voice.

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head again. “You wouldn’t tell such lies if you knew what I am”, I told them surprisingly firmly and harshly. My voice sounded brokenly and angrily through the hallway. It suddenly was so cold out here. A shiver ran down my spine and all the love in the world wouldn’t help me, so why should I keep chasing it?

Geralt just pulled me close, making it so hard to hate him for trying to love me. My head was resting on his chest and his arms pulled me into a gentle yet firm hug. I shuddered. Then I felt Jaskier’s head on my shoulder and his arms wrapping around me from behind, hugging my shaking body. I was so angry at me, at the world, at Jask and Geralt, who didn’t deserve to be punished by me in such a manner. They deserved to find their happiness in each other without being bound to all my flaws.

“I’m not the kind of man you two are”, I blurted out finally as I looked up into Geralt golden eyes, which reflected the moonlight oh so beautifully and softly. They had a delicate silvery shimmer in them now.

He smiled gently, caressing my cheek with his calloused fingers, “I’ve known this for so long already, my love”. Why would he know? My heart started racing. I thought Triss’ potions finally gave me the ability to live in stealth and peace. My mind thought of any- and everything. If he knew, who else would know my secret?

He interrupted my thoughts, “Your uhm- Your smell”, he took a break to find words, “It changes when you… You know? My ability to smell is a curse and a blessing”. He didn’t need to put it in different words for me to know he meant my monthly bleeding, just a curse to me, not a blessing. But if he only knew due to his heightened senses, it wasn’t likely someone else knew too. I was relieved.

“Jaskier doesn’t know though”, he remarked, wiping away the last stray tear with such genuine tenderness, I held my breath in awe. I didn’t know he was able to such adorable gestures. My entire body was shaking. Maybe he and Jaskier did deserve to know the truth about me after all.

I swallowed heavily again, slowly turning around to find Jaskier’s curious look, staring at me with those puppy doll eyes. “Would you tell me what you meant? Why are you different? I haven’t noticed why you should be any different from me. But I mean, obviously, everyone’s different from that pretty hunk of a man, so you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to him anyway”, he babbled at a quick pace. Jaskier said the silliest things and I loved him for it. He made my heart lighter with every sentence even if I had to tell him now. I could do this.

“Well, I uh- “, I avoided his piercing look, “I was born without certain parts, but I have some others I shouldn’t have”. I felt his confusion grow. Jask tilted his head slightly. I took a deep breath before just saying it straightforwardly and as emotionlessly as I could press it over my stubborn lips, “I was born a woman”.

“And?”, he asked, smiling calmly, “That’s it?” Of all the reactions, I had carefully collected in the past years, I never thought I’d have to add one to my collection now. Jask kissed my forehead sweetly and told me, “You’re more than your parts, love!”

My face was red, I was hot and cold, and I was sweaty too. I had been so on edge, but with no warning my weariness overcame me, so it was no surprise at all my yawn came right after Jask’s last sentence, though I couldn’t help but smile shyly now. I was so happy, they wouldn’t hate me.

Geralt tucked my head under his chin, his hands were still wrapped around me, “How about we finally go to sleep now? Together?” He definitely was sobered out now. Exhaustedly I nodded before I felt his arms let go of me and instead, he took my hand and then Jask’s too to pull us into his room, which happened to be the largest of them.

“How are we all even gonna fit in one bed?”, Jask asked the obvious.

Geralt squeezed his hand gently, “We’re gonna make it work somehow, don’t worry”

I struggled so much to keep my eyes open, still, when I saw Geralt undress and lay down in just his smallclothes and Jaskier did the same, I felt the panic in me stirring again. I was the last one to stand in the room and getting increasingly worked up about what they’d think of me if I took off my binder and gave my probably bruised ribs a much-needed rest. I was happy, they seemed to take it well, but now that they could see my body, see just a fraction of my flaws up close, I felt my fear take over.

I was shaking, I couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t worry either”, Geralt got up and came closer to kiss my puckered forehead, “You can take it off, we won’t judge you for things you aren’t at fault for”. I was way too tired to think about why he would know about my binder, so I turned around, telling them, “Please don’t look”, as I shakily started unbuttoning my nice dress shirt, I had purchased just for playing at Cintra’s court. Feeling the texture of the cloth underneath my fingers grounded me.

Then I began untying the laces of my binder before I got out of my slacks as well. When I turned back, I found them both covering their eyes with their hands and lying on the bed, Jaskier had cuddled up to Geralt already, his head on his massive, inviting chest.

I just had to giggle before I got under the blanket, which I carefully pulled over my chest, and laid my head down on Geralt’s bare chest too, who then wrapped his arm around me and the other around Jask, pulling both of us closer. Jask threw a warm and sincere glance my way and smiled before closing his eyes.

In the end, it was just enough space and my ribs weren’t nearly as bruised as they could have been if I hadn’t told my loves. There was so much to talk about when morning came, but as of now I just wanted to enjoy the warmth and how softly Geralt and Jaskier were treating me. Maybe I did deserve to be loved, after all, maybe I really did.

This time I didn’t need an alcohol-induced slumber. This time everything was all right.

I awoke to a rumble outside the door, heavy steps dragging across the floor in the middle of the night. It had to be Geralt. I was almost sure he was injured by the way he crept around. Quickly I pulled out from under the sheets and out of Jaskier’s grip. He was quite the teddy bear, I had to admit. As quietly as I possibly could, I snuck out and saw Geralt’s heavily muscled frame as he held himself up on the walls.

“Oh Geralt”, just quietly slipped out of my mouth, still, he had heard it. Now he was looking at me with his wide-open pupils and I noticed the stench of what had to be possibly a gallon or more of mead and ale, concerning me even more. He wasn’t injured, just totally drunk and he didn’t get hammered if there wasn’t something bothering him that he couldn’t solve with his sword.

He grunted into the quiet, “I’m fine!”

“No, you are not!”, I sighed, coming closer and holding him up when I noticed the pace of his breath pick up. We were so close, and I felt incredibly small with him towering over me. Then, I saw his nostrils flare, inhaling deeply.

He growled, “You smell like Jaskier”.

“I - “, I didn’t even get to explain.

“Did somebody say my name?”, I heard Jask walk over to us with an audibly cheeky smile on his face. Such a goofball.

I smiled in disbelief as well as surprise and shook my head at the fact that this sleepyhead had managed to get up, “Come on, get over here and help me with this hammered idiot”. I was still holding Geralt up.

“I’m not an idiot!”, Geralt exclaimed and I looked up, scoffing at him, replying, “But you’re hammered, how much did you even have to drink?” The concern in me arose again and I felt him pull me close to himself. All of him was such an intense experience, I thought to myself as he stared right on through me, his hand on my shoulders, firmly but in no way painful.

“Why do you smell like Jaskier?”, his golden eyes pierced right through my façade of coldness I wanted to maintain until I got him into his bed, but now he made me feel like an ashamed little boy, who had been found guilty with his hands in the cookie jar. I smelled the alcohol on him even more clearly now. He made a disgruntled look, and I sensed his anger that slowly filled the room now. His hands crept down on me, one holding my hip, while the other was on my back, right over my binder, making me a nervous mess. I was too sensitive to feel him so close and I could neither move nor talk because his presence was too intense for me to bear.

Jaskier put his hand on my shoulder, “Because we cuddled after you just left without telling us anything”, he firmly answered, a hint of judgement in his voice. How could he be so calm? Didn’t he feel that Geralt was like a storm brewing on the horizon, coming closer with every second now? Geralt raised one of his eyebrows, scrutinising Jask, who looked right back, standing his ground. He was so brave but stupid.

“Let’s just all go to bed”, I whispered. Somehow, I found some faint words upon my tongue, that just so happened to make sense as I tried to mitigate the whole situation because I was afraid, if I left Geralt out here any longer he might do some very stupid things and Jaskier’s cocky nature wouldn’t be of any help in calming him down.

Jask’s face was so close to mine once again and his cheeks began to blush, asking, “Can I stay with you?” And I got so red thinking about it too, of course, I wanted him to stay.

“Absolutely not”, Geralt deadpanned, well, maybe not deadpanned, more annoyed with that hint of suppressed rage. My eyebrows shot up.

I looked at him in disbelief, for a second I felt my own rage veiling my sensitivity, “Excuse you? I’m my own person, and I’m very much able to decide on my own who I’m gonna cuddle with!” Most of my childhood I had spent being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do. Fuck those rules. I’m playing by my own set of them now and if Geralt thinks he can shove me back into the box I had crawled out of, he was badly mistaken.

I crossed my arms and left them both standing in the hallway, pulling away from their warm hands. Who was Geralt to think he can tell me what to do and not to do? I didn’t care what any of them wanted, I wanted to sleep, and they’d have to solve their problems like big boys. I refused to be their foster parent.

Already, while I walked to my room’s door, I felt Geralt big hand on my shoulder. “Stay with me”, he was pleading quietly, his golden eyes emitting a soft glow and begging me as I turned around to meet his gaze. Geralt quietly added a, “Please”, through his gritted teeth. A word I had never heard coming out of his mouth nor had I ever expected it. He never begged, he never showed weakness, why would he do so now? Automatically my frown loosened up and I nodded softly. He had a reason, so my curiosity took over.

“You too, Jaskier, I want you with me”, Geralt whispered. He truly must have drunken a gallon or more because sober Geralt would have never said any of those things.

“Are you sick? What’s going on Geralt?”, Jaskier mocked him, I could hear the sadness drip from behind the mask of jeer, “You hate me! Have you forgotten that already? I’m your pain in the arse of a barker!” Now his anger was filling the room, while Geralt’s presence was much sadder, much more filled with hurt. I felt him.

“Jask, let him be”, I tried to calm him down.

Geralt sighed, letting me go, and went over to Jask gracefully, putting his hand on his hip in a gentle manner. First, he looked down, seeing how dainty Jaskier’s hip looked under his big hand, then he deeply looked into Jaskier’s eyes, who meanwhile, returned it defiantly. “I- uhm”, Geralt took a deep breath, “I realised, I like- love…”, he sighed, looking down. I’d never seen him act so shyly.

Then he just leaned in to kiss him, pulling him closer, clinging to him as a drowning man would to a big piece of driftwood. Geralt wasn’t a man of big words, instead, he showed his feelings veiled in actions, I realised. I could see how Jaskier’s anger subsided into a mellow and delightedly surprised feeling. He deserved that.

I felt left out, and my heart tightened up to a sad little ball at the fact, Geralt wouldn’t like me nor would Jaskier, but even in my sadness, I was happy they had found each other. Quietly I turned around to sneak back into my room and get my binder off. My ribs ached. At least they’d be happy, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else in my bed.

But then I heard his voice again, Geralt’s soft voice pleading, “And when I ran off, away from you, I realised I like, no, so much more… love”, his voice died, I turned around once again to see him staring at the floor, such a nervous aura surrounding him, “…You too”.

He sighed quietly, exhaust audible through it, as he was looking over to me. I didn’t think when I answered with a scoff, “I thought, you liked Jask?” I hoped so much he couldn’t hear the masked heartache in my voice.

“I like you both, I- “, his golden eyes looked so lost during this dramatic break when they met my look of doubt, “I’m confused, but I know, I do. I do like both of you”.

“Are you sure it isn’t just the ale talking, Geralt?”, though I knew he was sober enough to walk on his own by now, he sobered out ridiculously fast, I still wasn’t convinced he really liked me. He had to be fucking with me. No one could ever like me. At the latest, when he realised, I lacked certain parts and had others in return, he’d be sure that he didn’t like me.

He came closer, his hand still on Jask’s hip. He just pulled him alongside to me while his other hand crept up to my cheek, “I’ve had those feeling for you for so long now”. An honest but shy smile graced his lips. He looked marvellous in the moonlight and so did Jask, yet I couldn’t help but feel the anger in my chest welling up.

I shook my head, my curls flying around, “No”, I said resentfully, maybe a bit too harsh, but better tell him now than get my heart broken and the reputation ruined, I had built with such great effort.

“No one can love me”, I said harshly, reciting what I had been taught over and over in all my life as I looked away from those marvellous golden eyes. Believing it with every fibre of my being. Suddenly I was just the child, I thought I had left behind so long ago. That broken child with no hope of happiness, no hope of living to see any age beyond 13. I felt tears rush down my cheeks. They could never know, but I was unlovable, scarred and unlovable. I was broken and had already been made from flawed material. They would never understand the reasons I was bitter.

I wasn’t full-on sobbing yet, but I could feel more and more tears streaming over my face and I heard my ragged breathing. They would never understand why I was crying like this. I had promised myself to never cry again because of this, but here I was.

Jaskier put his hand on my cheek, wiping away some tears, “You are loveable, believe me, please”

“You definitely are loveable”, Geralt said anxiously with more than just a hint of worry in his voice.

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head again. “You wouldn’t tell such lies if you knew what I am”, I told them surprisingly firmly and harshly. My voice sounded brokenly and angrily through the hallway. It suddenly was so cold out here. A shiver ran down my spine and all the love in the world wouldn’t help me, so why should I keep chasing it?

Geralt just pulled me close, making it so hard to hate him for trying to love me. My head was resting on his chest and his arms pulled me into a gentle yet firm hug. I shuddered. Then I felt Jaskier’s head on my shoulder and his arms wrapping around me from behind, hugging my shaking body. I was so angry at me, at the world, at Jask and Geralt, who didn’t deserve to be punished by me in such a manner. They deserved to find their happiness in each other without being bound to all my flaws.

“I’m not the kind of man you two are”, I blurted out finally as I looked up into Geralt golden eyes, which reflected the moonlight oh so beautifully and softly. They had a delicate silvery shimmer in them now.

He smiled gently, caressing my cheek with his calloused fingers, “I’ve known this for so long already, my love”. Why would he know? My heart started racing. I thought Triss’ potions finally gave me the ability to live in stealth and peace. My mind thought of any- and everything. If he knew, who else would know my secret?

He interrupted my thoughts, “Your uhm- Your smell”, he took a break to find words, “It changes when you… You know? My ability to smell is a curse and a blessing”. He didn’t need to put it in different words for me to know he meant my monthly bleeding, just a curse to me, not a blessing. But if he only knew due to his heightened senses, it wasn’t likely someone else knew too. I was relieved.

“Jaskier doesn’t know though”, he remarked, wiping away the last stray tear with such genuine tenderness, I held my breath in awe. I didn’t know he was able to such adorable gestures. My entire body was shaking. Maybe he and Jaskier did deserve to know the truth about me after all.

I swallowed heavily again, slowly turning around to find Jaskier’s curious look, staring at me with those puppy doll eyes. “Would you tell me what you meant? Why are you different? I haven’t noticed why you should be any different from me. But I mean, obviously, everyone’s different from that pretty hunk of a man, so you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to him anyway”, he babbled at a quick pace. Jaskier said the silliest things and I loved him for it. He made my heart lighter with every sentence even if I had to tell him now. I could do this.

“Well, I uh- “, I avoided his piercing look, “I was born without certain parts, but I have some others I shouldn’t have”. I felt his confusion grow. Jask tilted his head slightly. I took a deep breath before just saying it straightforwardly and as emotionlessly as I could press it over my stubborn lips, “I was born a woman”.

“And?”, he asked, smiling calmly, “That’s it?” Of all the reactions, I had carefully collected in the past years, I never thought I’d have to add one to my collection now. Jask kissed my forehead sweetly and told me, “You’re more than your parts, love!”

My face was red, I was hot and cold, and I was sweaty too. I had been so on edge, but with no warning my weariness overcame me, so it was no surprise at all my yawn came right after Jask’s last sentence, though I couldn’t help but smile shyly now. I was so happy, they wouldn’t hate me.

Geralt tucked my head under his chin, his hands were still wrapped around me, “How about we finally go to sleep now? Together?” He definitely was sobered out now. Exhaustedly I nodded before I felt his arms let go of me and instead, he took my hand and then Jask’s too to pull us into his room, which happened to be the largest of them.

“How are we all even gonna fit in one bed?”, Jask asked the obvious.

Geralt squeezed his hand gently, “We’re gonna make it work somehow, don’t worry”

I struggled so much to keep my eyes open, still, when I saw Geralt undress and lay down in just his smallclothes and Jaskier did the same, I felt the panic in me stirring again. I was the last one to stand in the room and getting increasingly worked up about what they’d think of me if I took off my binder and gave my probably bruised ribs a much-needed rest. I was happy, they seemed to take it well, but now that they could see my body, see just a fraction of my flaws up close, I felt my fear take over.

I was shaking, I couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t worry either”, Geralt got up and came closer to kiss my puckered forehead, “You can take it off, we won’t judge you for things you aren’t at fault for”. I was way too tired to think about why he would know about my binder, so I turned around, telling them, “Please don’t look”, as I shakily started unbuttoning my nice dress shirt, I had purchased just for playing at Cintra’s court. Feeling the texture of the cloth underneath my fingers grounded me.

Then I began untying the laces of my binder before I got out of my slacks as well. When I turned back, I found them both covering their eyes with their hands and lying on the bed, Jaskier had cuddled up to Geralt already, his head on his massive, inviting chest.

I just had to giggle before I got under the blanket, which I carefully pulled over my chest, and laid my head down on Geralt’s bare chest too, who then wrapped his arm around me and the other around Jask, pulling both of us closer. Jask threw a warm and sincere glance my way and smiled before closing his eyes.

In the end, it was just enough space and my ribs weren’t nearly as bruised as they could have been if I hadn’t told my loves. There was so much to talk about when morning came, but as of now I just wanted to enjoy the warmth and how softly Geralt and Jaskier were treating me. Maybe I did deserve to be loved, after all, maybe I really did.

This time I didn’t need an alcohol-induced slumber. This time everything was all right.

I awoke to a rumble outside the door, heavy steps dragging across the floor in the middle of the night. It had to be Geralt. I was almost sure he was injured by the way he crept around. Quickly I pulled out from under the sheets and out of Jaskier’s grip. He was quite the teddy bear, I had to admit. As quietly as I possibly could, I snuck out and saw Geralt’s heavily muscled frame as he held himself up on the walls.

“Oh Geralt”, just quietly slipped out of my mouth, still, he had heard it. Now he was looking at me with his wide-open pupils and I noticed the stench of what had to be possibly a gallon or more of mead and ale, concerning me even more. He wasn’t injured, just totally drunk and he didn’t get hammered if there wasn’t something bothering him that he couldn’t solve with his sword.

He grunted into the quiet, “I’m fine!”

“No, you are not!”, I sighed, coming closer and holding him up when I noticed the pace of his breath pick up. We were so close, and I felt incredibly small with him towering over me. Then, I saw his nostrils flare, inhaling deeply.

He growled, “You smell like Jaskier”.

“I - “, I didn’t even get to explain.

“Did somebody say my name?”, I heard Jask walk over to us with an audibly cheeky smile on his face. Such a goofball.

I smiled in disbelief as well as surprise and shook my head at the fact that this sleepyhead had managed to get up, “Come on, get over here and help me with this hammered idiot”. I was still holding Geralt up.

“I’m not an idiot!”, Geralt exclaimed and I looked up, scoffing at him, replying, “But you’re hammered, how much did you even have to drink?” The concern in me arose again and I felt him pull me close to himself. All of him was such an intense experience, I thought to myself as he stared right on through me, his hand on my shoulders, firmly but in no way painful.

“Why do you smell like Jaskier?”, his golden eyes pierced right through my façade of coldness I wanted to maintain until I got him into his bed, but now he made me feel like an ashamed little boy, who had been found guilty with his hands in the cookie jar. I smelled the alcohol on him even more clearly now. He made a disgruntled look, and I sensed his anger that slowly filled the room now. His hands crept down on me, one holding my hip, while the other was on my back, right over my binder, making me a nervous mess. I was too sensitive to feel him so close and I could neither move nor talk because his presence was too intense for me to bear.

Jaskier put his hand on my shoulder, “Because we cuddled after you just left without telling us anything”, he firmly answered, a hint of judgement in his voice. How could he be so calm? Didn’t he feel that Geralt was like a storm brewing on the horizon, coming closer with every second now? Geralt raised one of his eyebrows, scrutinising Jask, who looked right back, standing his ground. He was so brave but stupid.

“Let’s just all go to bed”, I whispered. Somehow, I found some faint words upon my tongue, that just so happened to make sense as I tried to mitigate the whole situation because I was afraid, if I left Geralt out here any longer he might do some very stupid things and Jaskier’s cocky nature wouldn’t be of any help in calming him down.

Jask’s face was so close to mine once again and his cheeks began to blush, asking, “Can I stay with you?” And I got so red thinking about it too, of course, I wanted him to stay.

“Absolutely not”, Geralt deadpanned, well, maybe not deadpanned, more annoyed with that hint of suppressed rage. My eyebrows shot up.

I looked at him in disbelief, for a second I felt my own rage veiling my sensitivity, “Excuse you? I’m my own person, and I’m very much able to decide on my own who I’m gonna cuddle with!” Most of my childhood I had spent being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do. Fuck those rules. I’m playing by my own set of them now and if Geralt thinks he can shove me back into the box I had crawled out of, he was badly mistaken.

I crossed my arms and left them both standing in the hallway, pulling away from their warm hands. Who was Geralt to think he can tell me what to do and not to do? I didn’t care what any of them wanted, I wanted to sleep, and they’d have to solve their problems like big boys. I refused to be their foster parent.

Already, while I walked to my room’s door, I felt Geralt big hand on my shoulder. “Stay with me”, he was pleading quietly, his golden eyes emitting a soft glow and begging me as I turned around to meet his gaze. Geralt quietly added a, “Please”, through his gritted teeth. A word I had never heard coming out of his mouth nor had I ever expected it. He never begged, he never showed weakness, why would he do so now? Automatically my frown loosened up and I nodded softly. He had a reason, so my curiosity took over.

“You too, Jaskier, I want you with me”, Geralt whispered. He truly must have drunken a gallon or more because sober Geralt would have never said any of those things.

“Are you sick? What’s going on Geralt?”, Jaskier mocked him, I could hear the sadness drip from behind the mask of jeer, “You hate me! Have you forgotten that already? I’m your pain in the arse of a barker!” Now his anger was filling the room, while Geralt’s presence was much sadder, much more filled with hurt. I felt him.

“Jask, let him be”, I tried to calm him down.

Geralt sighed, letting me go, and went over to Jask gracefully, putting his hand on his hip in a gentle manner. First, he looked down, seeing how dainty Jaskier’s hip looked under his big hand, then he deeply looked into Jaskier’s eyes, who meanwhile, returned it defiantly. “I- uhm”, Geralt took a deep breath, “I realised, I like- love…”, he sighed, looking down. I’d never seen him act so shyly.

Then he just leaned in to kiss him, pulling him closer, clinging to him as a drowning man would to a big piece of driftwood. Geralt wasn’t a man of big words, instead, he showed his feelings veiled in actions, I realised. I could see how Jaskier’s anger subsided into a mellow and delightedly surprised feeling. He deserved that.

I felt left out, and my heart tightened up to a sad little ball at the fact, Geralt wouldn’t like me nor would Jaskier, but even in my sadness, I was happy they had found each other. Quietly I turned around to sneak back into my room and get my binder off. My ribs ached. At least they’d be happy, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else in my bed.

But then I heard his voice again, Geralt’s soft voice pleading, “And when I ran off, away from you, I realised I like, no, so much more… love”, his voice died, I turned around once again to see him staring at the floor, such a nervous aura surrounding him, “…You too”.

He sighed quietly, exhaust audible through it, as he was looking over to me. I didn’t think when I answered with a scoff, “I thought, you liked Jask?” I hoped so much he couldn’t hear the masked heartache in my voice.

“I like you both, I- “, his golden eyes looked so lost during this dramatic break when they met my look of doubt, “I’m confused, but I know, I do. I do like both of you”.

“Are you sure it isn’t just the ale talking, Geralt?”, though I knew he was sober enough to walk on his own by now, he sobered out ridiculously fast, I still wasn’t convinced he really liked me. He had to be fucking with me. No one could ever like me. At the latest, when he realised, I lacked certain parts and had others in return, he’d be sure that he didn’t like me.

He came closer, his hand still on Jask’s hip. He just pulled him alongside to me while his other hand crept up to my cheek, “I’ve had those feeling for you for so long now”. An honest but shy smile graced his lips. He looked marvellous in the moonlight and so did Jask, yet I couldn’t help but feel the anger in my chest welling up.

I shook my head, my curls flying around, “No”, I said resentfully, maybe a bit too harsh, but better tell him now than get my heart broken and the reputation ruined, I had built with such great effort.

“No one can love me”, I said harshly, reciting what I had been taught over and over in all my life as I looked away from those marvellous golden eyes. Believing it with every fibre of my being. Suddenly I was just the child, I thought I had left behind so long ago. That broken child with no hope of happiness, no hope of living to see any age beyond 13. I felt tears rush down my cheeks. They could never know, but I was unlovable, scarred and unlovable. I was broken and had already been made from flawed material. They would never understand the reasons I was bitter.

I wasn’t full-on sobbing yet, but I could feel more and more tears streaming over my face and I heard my ragged breathing. They would never understand why I was crying like this. I had promised myself to never cry again because of this, but here I was.

Jaskier put his hand on my cheek, wiping away some tears, “You are loveable, believe me, please”

“You definitely are loveable”, Geralt said anxiously with more than just a hint of worry in his voice.

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head again. “You wouldn’t tell such lies if you knew what I am”, I told them surprisingly firmly and harshly. My voice sounded brokenly and angrily through the hallway. It suddenly was so cold out here. A shiver ran down my spine and all the love in the world wouldn’t help me, so why should I keep chasing it?

Geralt just pulled me close, making it so hard to hate him for trying to love me. My head was resting on his chest and his arms pulled me into a gentle yet firm hug. I shuddered. Then I felt Jaskier’s head on my shoulder and his arms wrapping around me from behind, hugging my shaking body. I was so angry at me, at the world, at Jask and Geralt, who didn’t deserve to be punished by me in such a manner. They deserved to find their happiness in each other without being bound to all my flaws.

“I’m not the kind of man you two are”, I blurted out finally as I looked up into Geralt golden eyes, which reflected the moonlight oh so beautifully and softly. They had a delicate silvery shimmer in them now.

He smiled gently, caressing my cheek with his calloused fingers, “I’ve known this for so long already, my love”. Why would he know? My heart started racing. I thought Triss’ potions finally gave me the ability to live in stealth and peace. My mind thought of any- and everything. If he knew, who else would know my secret?

He interrupted my thoughts, “Your uhm- Your smell”, he took a break to find words, “It changes when you… You know? My ability to smell is a curse and a blessing”. He didn’t need to put it in different words for me to know he meant my monthly bleeding, just a curse to me, not a blessing. But if he only knew due to his heightened senses, it wasn’t likely someone else knew too. I was relieved.

“Jaskier doesn’t know though”, he remarked, wiping away the last stray tear with such genuine tenderness, I held my breath in awe. I didn’t know he was able to such adorable gestures. My entire body was shaking. Maybe he and Jaskier did deserve to know the truth about me after all.

I swallowed heavily again, slowly turning around to find Jaskier’s curious look, staring at me with those puppy doll eyes. “Would you tell me what you meant? Why are you different? I haven’t noticed why you should be any different from me. But I mean, obviously, everyone’s different from that pretty hunk of a man, so you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to him anyway”, he babbled at a quick pace. Jaskier said the silliest things and I loved him for it. He made my heart lighter with every sentence even if I had to tell him now. I could do this.

“Well, I uh- “, I avoided his piercing look, “I was born without certain parts, but I have some others I shouldn’t have”. I felt his confusion grow. Jask tilted his head slightly. I took a deep breath before just saying it straightforwardly and as emotionlessly as I could press it over my stubborn lips, “I was born a woman”.

“And?”, he asked, smiling calmly, “That’s it?” Of all the reactions, I had carefully collected in the past years, I never thought I’d have to add one to my collection now. Jask kissed my forehead sweetly and told me, “You’re more than your parts, love!”

My face was red, I was hot and cold, and I was sweaty too. I had been so on edge, but with no warning my weariness overcame me, so it was no surprise at all my yawn came right after Jask’s last sentence, though I couldn’t help but smile shyly now. I was so happy, they wouldn’t hate me.

Geralt tucked my head under his chin, his hands were still wrapped around me, “How about we finally go to sleep now? Together?” He definitely was sobered out now. Exhaustedly I nodded before I felt his arms let go of me and instead, he took my hand and then Jask’s too to pull us into his room, which happened to be the largest of them.

“How are we all even gonna fit in one bed?”, Jask asked the obvious.

Geralt squeezed his hand gently, “We’re gonna make it work somehow, don’t worry”

I struggled so much to keep my eyes open, still, when I saw Geralt undress and lay down in just his smallclothes and Jaskier did the same, I felt the panic in me stirring again. I was the last one to stand in the room and getting increasingly worked up about what they’d think of me if I took off my binder and gave my probably bruised ribs a much-needed rest. I was happy, they seemed to take it well, but now that they could see my body, see just a fraction of my flaws up close, I felt my fear take over.

I was shaking, I couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t worry either”, Geralt got up and came closer to kiss my puckered forehead, “You can take it off, we won’t judge you for things you aren’t at fault for”. I was way too tired to think about why he would know about my binder, so I turned around, telling them, “Please don’t look”, as I shakily started unbuttoning my nice dress shirt, I had purchased just for playing at Cintra’s court. Feeling the texture of the cloth underneath my fingers grounded me.

Then I began untying the laces of my binder before I got out of my slacks as well. When I turned back, I found them both covering their eyes with their hands and lying on the bed, Jaskier had cuddled up to Geralt already, his head on his massive, inviting chest.

I just had to giggle before I got under the blanket, which I carefully pulled over my chest, and laid my head down on Geralt’s bare chest too, who then wrapped his arm around me and the other around Jask, pulling both of us closer. Jask threw a warm and sincere glance my way and smiled before closing his eyes.

In the end, it was just enough space and my ribs weren’t nearly as bruised as they could have been if I hadn’t told my loves. There was so much to talk about when morning came, but as of now I just wanted to enjoy the warmth and how softly Geralt and Jaskier were treating me. Maybe I did deserve to be loved, after all, maybe I really did.

This time I didn’t need an alcohol-induced slumber. This time everything was all right.

I awoke to a rumble outside the door, heavy steps dragging across the floor in the middle of the night. It had to be Geralt. I was almost sure he was injured by the way he crept around. Quickly I pulled out from under the sheets and out of Jaskier’s grip. He was quite the teddy bear, I had to admit. As quietly as I possibly could, I snuck out and saw Geralt’s heavily muscled frame as he held himself up on the walls.

“Oh Geralt”, just quietly slipped out of my mouth, still, he had heard it. Now he was looking at me with his wide-open pupils and I noticed the stench of what had to be possibly a gallon or more of mead and ale, concerning me even more. He wasn’t injured, just totally drunk and he didn’t get hammered if there wasn’t something bothering him that he couldn’t solve with his sword.

He grunted into the quiet, “I’m fine!”

“No, you are not!”, I sighed, coming closer and holding him up when I noticed the pace of his breath pick up. We were so close, and I felt incredibly small with him towering over me. Then, I saw his nostrils flare, inhaling deeply.

He growled, “You smell like Jaskier”.

“I - “, I didn’t even get to explain.

“Did somebody say my name?”, I heard Jask walk over to us with an audibly cheeky smile on his face. Such a goofball.

I smiled in disbelief as well as surprise and shook my head at the fact that this sleepyhead had managed to get up, “Come on, get over here and help me with this hammered idiot”. I was still holding Geralt up.

“I’m not an idiot!”, Geralt exclaimed and I looked up, scoffing at him, replying, “But you’re hammered, how much did you even have to drink?” The concern in me arose again and I felt him pull me close to himself. All of him was such an intense experience, I thought to myself as he stared right on through me, his hand on my shoulders, firmly but in no way painful.

“Why do you smell like Jaskier?”, his golden eyes pierced right through my façade of coldness I wanted to maintain until I got him into his bed, but now he made me feel like an ashamed little boy, who had been found guilty with his hands in the cookie jar. I smelled the alcohol on him even more clearly now. He made a disgruntled look, and I sensed his anger that slowly filled the room now. His hands crept down on me, one holding my hip, while the other was on my back, right over my binder, making me a nervous mess. I was too sensitive to feel him so close and I could neither move nor talk because his presence was too intense for me to bear.

Jaskier put his hand on my shoulder, “Because we cuddled after you just left without telling us anything”, he firmly answered, a hint of judgement in his voice. How could he be so calm? Didn’t he feel that Geralt was like a storm brewing on the horizon, coming closer with every second now? Geralt raised one of his eyebrows, scrutinising Jask, who looked right back, standing his ground. He was so brave but stupid.

“Let’s just all go to bed”, I whispered. Somehow, I found some faint words upon my tongue, that just so happened to make sense as I tried to mitigate the whole situation because I was afraid, if I left Geralt out here any longer he might do some very stupid things and Jaskier’s cocky nature wouldn’t be of any help in calming him down.

Jask’s face was so close to mine once again and his cheeks began to blush, asking, “Can I stay with you?” And I got so red thinking about it too, of course, I wanted him to stay.

“Absolutely not”, Geralt deadpanned, well, maybe not deadpanned, more annoyed with that hint of suppressed rage. My eyebrows shot up.

I looked at him in disbelief, for a second I felt my own rage veiling my sensitivity, “Excuse you? I’m my own person, and I’m very much able to decide on my own who I’m gonna cuddle with!” Most of my childhood I had spent being told what I am allowed and not allowed to do. Fuck those rules. I’m playing by my own set of them now and if Geralt thinks he can shove me back into the box I had crawled out of, he was badly mistaken.

I crossed my arms and left them both standing in the hallway, pulling away from their warm hands. Who was Geralt to think he can tell me what to do and not to do? I didn’t care what any of them wanted, I wanted to sleep, and they’d have to solve their problems like big boys. I refused to be their foster parent.

Already, while I walked to my room’s door, I felt Geralt big hand on my shoulder. “Stay with me”, he was pleading quietly, his golden eyes emitting a soft glow and begging me as I turned around to meet his gaze. Geralt quietly added a, “Please”, through his gritted teeth. A word I had never heard coming out of his mouth nor had I ever expected it. He never begged, he never showed weakness, why would he do so now? Automatically my frown loosened up and I nodded softly. He had a reason, so my curiosity took over.

“You too, Jaskier, I want you with me”, Geralt whispered. He truly must have drunken a gallon or more because sober Geralt would have never said any of those things.

“Are you sick? What’s going on Geralt?”, Jaskier mocked him, I could hear the sadness drip from behind the mask of jeer, “You hate me! Have you forgotten that already? I’m your pain in the arse of a barker!” Now his anger was filling the room, while Geralt’s presence was much sadder, much more filled with hurt. I felt him.

“Jask, let him be”, I tried to calm him down.

Geralt sighed, letting me go, and went over to Jask gracefully, putting his hand on his hip in a gentle manner. First, he looked down, seeing how dainty Jaskier’s hip looked under his big hand, then he deeply looked into Jaskier’s eyes, who meanwhile, returned it defiantly. “I- uhm”, Geralt took a deep breath, “I realised, I like- love…”, he sighed, looking down. I’d never seen him act so shyly.

Then he just leaned in to kiss him, pulling him closer, clinging to him as a drowning man would to a big piece of driftwood. Geralt wasn’t a man of big words, instead, he showed his feelings veiled in actions, I realised. I could see how Jaskier’s anger subsided into a mellow and delightedly surprised feeling. He deserved that.

I felt left out, and my heart tightened up to a sad little ball at the fact, Geralt wouldn’t like me nor would Jaskier, but even in my sadness, I was happy they had found each other. Quietly I turned around to sneak back into my room and get my binder off. My ribs ached. At least they’d be happy, I wouldn’t sleep with someone else in my bed.

But then I heard his voice again, Geralt’s soft voice pleading, “And when I ran off, away from you, I realised I like, no, so much more… love”, his voice died, I turned around once again to see him staring at the floor, such a nervous aura surrounding him, “…You too”.

He sighed quietly, exhaust audible through it, as he was looking over to me. I didn’t think when I answered with a scoff, “I thought, you liked Jask?” I hoped so much he couldn’t hear the masked heartache in my voice.

“I like you both, I- “, his golden eyes looked so lost during this dramatic break when they met my look of doubt, “I’m confused, but I know, I do. I do like both of you”.

“Are you sure it isn’t just the ale talking, Geralt?”, though I knew he was sober enough to walk on his own by now, he sobered out ridiculously fast, I still wasn’t convinced he really liked me. He had to be fucking with me. No one could ever like me. At the latest, when he realised, I lacked certain parts and had others in return, he’d be sure that he didn’t like me.

He came closer, his hand still on Jask’s hip. He just pulled him alongside to me while his other hand crept up to my cheek, “I’ve had those feeling for you for so long now”. An honest but shy smile graced his lips. He looked marvellous in the moonlight and so did Jask, yet I couldn’t help but feel the anger in my chest welling up.

I shook my head, my curls flying around, “No”, I said resentfully, maybe a bit too harsh, but better tell him now than get my heart broken and the reputation ruined, I had built with such great effort.

“No one can love me”, I said harshly, reciting what I had been taught over and over in all my life as I looked away from those marvellous golden eyes. Believing it with every fibre of my being. Suddenly I was just the child, I thought I had left behind so long ago. That broken child with no hope of happiness, no hope of living to see any age beyond 13. I felt tears rush down my cheeks. They could never know, but I was unlovable, scarred and unlovable. I was broken and had already been made from flawed material. They would never understand the reasons I was bitter.

I wasn’t full-on sobbing yet, but I could feel more and more tears streaming over my face and I heard my ragged breathing. They would never understand why I was crying like this. I had promised myself to never cry again because of this, but here I was.

Jaskier put his hand on my cheek, wiping away some tears, “You are loveable, believe me, please”

“You definitely are loveable”, Geralt said anxiously with more than just a hint of worry in his voice.

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head again. “You wouldn’t tell such lies if you knew what I am”, I told them surprisingly firmly and harshly. My voice sounded brokenly and angrily through the hallway. It suddenly was so cold out here. A shiver ran down my spine and all the love in the world wouldn’t help me, so why should I keep chasing it?

Geralt just pulled me close, making it so hard to hate him for trying to love me. My head was resting on his chest and his arms pulled me into a gentle yet firm hug. I shuddered. Then I felt Jaskier’s head on my shoulder and his arms wrapping around me from behind, hugging my shaking body. I was so angry at me, at the world, at Jask and Geralt, who didn’t deserve to be punished by me in such a manner. They deserved to find their happiness in each other without being bound to all my flaws.

“I’m not the kind of man you two are”, I blurted out finally as I looked up into Geralt golden eyes, which reflected the moonlight oh so beautifully and softly. They had a delicate silvery shimmer in them now.

He smiled gently, caressing my cheek with his calloused fingers, “I’ve known this for so long already, my love”. Why would he know? My heart started racing. I thought Triss’ potions finally gave me the ability to live in stealth and peace. My mind thought of any- and everything. If he knew, who else would know my secret?

He interrupted my thoughts, “Your uhm- Your smell”, he took a break to find words, “It changes when you… You know? My ability to smell is a curse and a blessing”. He didn’t need to put it in different words for me to know he meant my monthly bleeding, just a curse to me, not a blessing. But if he only knew due to his heightened senses, it wasn’t likely someone else knew too. I was relieved.

“Jaskier doesn’t know though”, he remarked, wiping away the last stray tear with such genuine tenderness, I held my breath in awe. I didn’t know he was able to such adorable gestures. My entire body was shaking. Maybe he and Jaskier did deserve to know the truth about me after all.

I swallowed heavily again, slowly turning around to find Jaskier’s curious look, staring at me with those puppy doll eyes. “Would you tell me what you meant? Why are you different? I haven’t noticed why you should be any different from me. But I mean, obviously, everyone’s different from that pretty hunk of a man, so you shouldn’t be comparing yourself to him anyway”, he babbled at a quick pace. Jaskier said the silliest things and I loved him for it. He made my heart lighter with every sentence even if I had to tell him now. I could do this.

“Well, I uh- “, I avoided his piercing look, “I was born without certain parts, but I have some others I shouldn’t have”. I felt his confusion grow. Jask tilted his head slightly. I took a deep breath before just saying it straightforwardly and as emotionlessly as I could press it over my stubborn lips, “I was born a woman”.

“And?”, he asked, smiling calmly, “That’s it?” Of all the reactions, I had carefully collected in the past years, I never thought I’d have to add one to my collection now. Jask kissed my forehead sweetly and told me, “You’re more than your parts, love!”

My face was red, I was hot and cold, and I was sweaty too. I had been so on edge, but with no warning my weariness overcame me, so it was no surprise at all my yawn came right after Jask’s last sentence, though I couldn’t help but smile shyly now. I was so happy, they wouldn’t hate me.

Geralt tucked my head under his chin, his hands were still wrapped around me, “How about we finally go to sleep now? Together?” He definitely was sobered out now. Exhaustedly I nodded before I felt his arms let go of me and instead, he took my hand and then Jask’s too to pull us into his room, which happened to be the largest of them.

“How are we all even gonna fit in one bed?”, Jask asked the obvious.

Geralt squeezed his hand gently, “We’re gonna make it work somehow, don’t worry”

I struggled so much to keep my eyes open, still, when I saw Geralt undress and lay down in just his smallclothes and Jaskier did the same, I felt the panic in me stirring again. I was the last one to stand in the room and getting increasingly worked up about what they’d think of me if I took off my binder and gave my probably bruised ribs a much-needed rest. I was happy, they seemed to take it well, but now that they could see my body, see just a fraction of my flaws up close, I felt my fear take over.

I was shaking, I couldn’t help it.

“You shouldn’t worry either”, Geralt got up and came closer to kiss my puckered forehead, “You can take it off, we won’t judge you for things you aren’t at fault for”. I was way too tired to think about why he would know about my binder, so I turned around, telling them, “Please don’t look”, as I shakily started unbuttoning my nice dress shirt, I had purchased just for playing at Cintra’s court. Feeling the texture of the cloth underneath my fingers grounded me.

Then I began untying the laces of my binder before I got out of my slacks as well. When I turned back, I found them both covering their eyes with their hands and lying on the bed, Jaskier had cuddled up to Geralt already, his head on his massive, inviting chest.

I just had to giggle before I got under the blanket, which I carefully pulled over my chest, and laid my head down on Geralt’s bare chest too, who then wrapped his arm around me and the other around Jask, pulling both of us closer. Jask threw a warm and sincere glance my way and smiled before closing his eyes.

In the end, it was just enough space and my ribs weren’t nearly as bruised as they could have been if I hadn’t told my loves. There was so much to talk about when morning came, but as of now I just wanted to enjoy the warmth and how softly Geralt and Jaskier were treating me. Maybe I did deserve to be loved, after all, maybe I really did.

This time I didn’t need an alcohol-induced slumber. This time everything was all right.


	3. Tearing down Walls & breaking Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What starts with an innocent morning cuddle, ends with each of the three noticing that they still have to learn about themselves to work together. This is more or less a filler chapter about the time passing and the three of them growing.

When I woke up, Geralt was already awake, caressing me softly and stroking the unruly curls out of my face. I just couldn’t help but smile at him and his calloused finger that still managed to be so adorably gentle for me. I tried not to give away that I was already awake, so he’d continue with this sweet treatment, but of course, he already knew, but he kept petting me and making me feel truly adored.

“Good morning, sleepyhead”, he hummed quietly and leaned in to kiss my dishevelled hair.

Jaskier, on the other hand, was still sleeping soundly. I couldn't help but just give him a tender pet before looking up to Geralt, feeling a blush creep onto my cheeks.

Now it overcame me, this sudden urge to kiss him, to feel his lips melt into mine. Maybe he felt it too. Maybe he even knew how crazy he drove me with those lips. His strong hands pulled my face closer to his and I finally felt him close the space between us after having stared into his golden eyes for what felt like an eternity. How could I ever think those eyes would hate me? Last night seemed so, so far away now, like a faint memory of a bad dream changed into a happy one last minute.

His lips were rough and raw, yet they felt so good. I propped myself up on Geralt’s abdomen, a seemingly adamant wall of muscles that I had wanted to touch, no, wanted to feel properly for so long now. I could feel Geralt wanting more but holding back for me as I realised by his strained, heavy breathing and the way his muscles played under my timid touches. Those little grunts and special sounds he made, I had only heard a couple of times late during calmer nights when Geralt thought Jask and me were asleep in the tents next to his.

Though he had no shame in showing off his truly marvellous body, he did like the quiet of only his own presence when he stroked himself, when it was so late, Jask and I slept most of the time. I was sad, I hadn’t heard those beautiful sounds more often. Honestly, Jaskier was way less ashamed of his primal instincts and he sounded great living them out. I might have been a little jealous of him and how he didn’t feel the need to bottle up the sounds he shamelessly made when he got desperate. Jask had one or another toy and, dear Melitele, how much I wanted to watch him play with himself one day.

I, on the other hand, generally liked to do it as Geralt did and so I stuck to the dead of night for any kind of that action. I thought they’d judge me, I thought I had to be embarrassed, but I realised, maybe some things could change.

“Oh, fuck Geralt”, I moaned into the kiss, I couldn’t keep it in until I noticed the blanket had slipped below my chest due to the cold and I tugged it up frenziedly, breaking the kiss abruptly because I instinctively stared down to my chest. I never wanted to have them in the first place, why hadn’t Melitele listened to my frustrated cries?

My cheeks burned in embarrassment. I felt ashamed of my body, maybe some things just don’t change? And when I noticed Jaskier had awoken and was now staring at me, I was simply frozen in fear.

Jask reached out with his hand now and touched my head so gently “You’re a man to me, don’t worry about what your body says”, he whispered oh so softly, and I leaned into him now. I couldn’t believe he really didn’t think of me as any less now that he had seen my chest. One kiss, just one kiss and I’d be sated, I told myself once again. Shakily I met his lips him, holding up the blanket to cover myself, nonetheless.

It would take a little longer to mitigate my fears, but I now began to realise I could grow to be so much more than just them. And to my surprise, it stayed at one mellow soft kiss to ease my nerves until I mustered up the courage to tell them how I had begun to feel for them such a long time ago, how much I had thought, I had to bury my own feelings for both of them, how much I adored it when Jaskier’s skilled hands played his lute and how beautifully and gracefully I found the way Geralt moved, even or especially when he fought. I, however, couldn’t even get myself to look at either of them. Still, the fear of being dropped again, never being enough, made my heart ache.

Jaskier caressed my cheek, smiling softly, “Oh dear, I’ve fallen so hard for you". Having him verbally express those beautiful words warmed my heart and my lips simply formed a bright smile under his touch. “And you, Geralt”, Jask quickly pointed at me with one of those expressive hand gestures, I think, he subconsciously made, “He's right, you are the most beautiful creature when you fight and when you grunt and even when you deny any feelings you could ever have, you idiot!” I couldn't have put it better and though Geralt rolled his eyes, I saw the corners of his lips move up. His smile was such a gorgeous rarity.

I turned to Geralt, looking up to him, now slowly I remembered that he knew I owned binders for my chest no one should know about except myself. My binders were like corsets, but just higher up on my torso and binding my chest as flat as they possibly could, rather than tying my waist smaller. So, how could he possibly know? Once I grew somewhat comfortable around people, I had virtually no filter, so I just asked him straightforwardly, how he knew about it. I knew I didn’t need to panic about him knowing, but that didn’t mean I didn’t.

Geralt gave me a peck on the cheek. “Sometimes you leave it out to dry under your other clothes, so we don’t see it, but the clothesline ripped a few months ago and I put your stuff on it again, but I just didn’t wanna bother you by telling you. I just realised what it was for, along the way”. He was such a sweet person. I appreciated that he actually took the time to rehang my clothes and didn’t want to be inconsiderate or make me feel uncomfortable.

How do I deserve those two loving and caring men? I put my hand on Geralt’s cheek and just whispered, “Thank you, dear”. I’m sure he heard those simple, simple words way too rarely, though he deserved them so much, surely more than Jaskier and I together did.

And I realised I was right when I saw him blush. The white wolf was nowhere nearly as big and bad in reality as all the tales told about him said, especially when you saw this adorable red veil covering his cheeks. He was such kind-hearted and adorable creature, but no one bothered to teach him proper communication and he was so often terribly misunderstood.

“You’re cute”, I remarked and gave him a peck on the tip of his nose. The red in his face turned a darker shade and I told him that he was worth all the love in the world. He had to know. Then I turned to Jask, who had laid down his head on Geralt’s chest once again, to tell him how marvellous he was in my eyes, how much he had already proved me he was worthy of all the attention, love and validation he craved just as much as I did.

“You’re both just so beautiful and I’m incredibly glad I have found you”, I smiled and looked at Jaskier first before I glimpsed over to Geralt, who took my hand so gently, staring at it before he unexpectedly kissed my lips. It was mellow and tender, so caring, I sighed into it contently. Next, he kissed Jaskier with the same eager gentleness. I knew I was in love. I had been for a very long time and those pent-up feelings really needed to finally get out.

We were all broken in our own ways, I guessed, we all just found our ways to mend our pain, in the end, we had to. Even I could learn to properly deal with my heightened sense of empathy, which made me vulnerable often, especially in social situations. I’d make it.

Between the bedroom’s thick curtains lazy sunbeams peeked out and I could see some specks of dust dancing in the air. It was so calm and beautiful, I couldn’t have wished for more. It was so lovely at Cintra’s court, I had almost forgotten Geralt’s child surprise affair, and I tremendously enjoyed making music with Jaskier yesterday or as a matter of fact any day. We managed to make his lute and my lap harp, but also our voices, sound quite good together. I was so proud of us truly.

In moments like these, I realised, how sometimes I really had to take a step off pressuring myself to be as masculine as I possibly could, even if I wasn’t happy doing it, or to please everyone around me or so much more and just had to enjoy the music or the situation. I deserved happiness, so did Jaskier and Gnjsedjnsekgivöewbdoeaeralt.

We took our time in bed, kissing, cuddling, teasing each other tenderly lovingly before packing all we had to find our way into the next city or village that needed Geralt’s help and would appreciate the music and the stories behind it we brought.

Geralt gave us so many tales to tell and sing about, though he was still quite stingy with the details, so Jaskier and I finally started writing songs together, singing them, giving them our all. Those tales deserved to be heard even if I didn’t like Jaskier shamelessly exploiting some details while leaving others out, but eventually we always found our way towards something we both could enjoy and I could play without the lingering feeling of guilt. I felt like he started to learn that he didn’t always need to shape a story so much to tell it. In the end, he could just sing it without moulding it into something completely new and I was so proud of him. It was so inspiring to have him always show me an interesting chord voicing or an idea for the musical accompaniment for some of the texts I wrote, and often I helped him find catchy melodies or harmonies for our songs then.

Now that the wall between us had been torn down, we shared so much more. I had never seen anyone make music as he did. Hell, I have never been and never would be able to make music the way Jask did, but that’s just why I’m me and he is him. He gave me some tricks though to help my poor, sensitive heart to heal and keep safe. I was so thankful for them

He was just as marvellous as Geralt, who started to finally open up a bit more and tune into what his feelings said too, though all he had ever been taught as a witcher was so harshly in contrast to what his heart desired and it hurt to see him breaking over stupid, stupid rules sometimes.

I wanted him to know that it’s okay he was hurting, and we’d be by his side no matter what. There were so many love songs in my notebook for the both of them that I’d never dare to play in public since some things just were too close to my heart. Every time I played them even for just myself, my heart stung and ached at the thought that someday I might lose them.

Obviously, Jask and I were restless whenever we had to miss our dear witcher, but up until now he always made sure to come back to us. Though sometimes severely wounded, he always came back, and we miraculously patched him back up always. I was so glad we did. I couldn’t imagine life without Geralt or Jaskier anymore.


	4. Touch me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first smutty chapter of this fanfiction ;)   
> Our dear reader has taken his testosterone potion and is very horny. Geralt and Jaskier notice and are very eager to help their cute boyfriend.  
> If you've ever read something from me, you know there's no story without some sex for me. But if you're not into that, just look out for the markings during the text, their font is bold, for the non-smut parts, so you don't lose track of the story.  
> Thank you c:

Day after day, week after week passed by with them on my side and in my bed too, though I needed my fair share of time to grow comfortable with my body in their hands, some of my more primal needs began to awake in me once again. Especially after I drank my potion again, I could barely keep it in my pants, but I still felt so weird about my body. I was overwhelmed with my own hands in bed, let alone a partner or, hell, two partners!

Geralt and Jaskier, however, were amazingly patient with me and didn’t pressure me into anything. They also let me direct everything we did, which up to now, had only been a bit of fumbling, a couple of blowjobs, which I enjoyed giving to both of them and the slightest bit of Geralt being quite fond of Jaskier’s and my ass. I had let them know, that, if they wanted to sleep with each other, I wouldn’t be in their way, I didn’t want them to suffer chastity, just because of me, but I really needed to take my time for going all the way.

**(NSFW Start Warning)**

It had been more than three months since we had confessed to each other at Cintra’s court and now we always slept so much closer together, which was warm, cosy and cuddly, but also meant I couldn’t ease my urges in fear of waking them. I hadn't gotten any relief at all in those past months. The few times, I had a chance to sneak a hand down on myself was in the bath, but even then, I had always been interrupted or joined. I wasn’t complaining about sweet Jask washing my hair, but I really needed some time to myself.

Tonight, I had taken my potion for this month and it had come with quite a few effects, not just a lower voice and so much fucking hair, no, it gave me a teenager’s sex drive and even a growing clit too!

I might start to call it a cock now. It sure started to look like one.

Other less physical side effects included that I had gotten so much more confident, even in the whole sex department. The more I looked like me, the more I felt simply right and comfortable in my own skin.

Tonight, however, I had gotten to my point of no return. I really couldn’t keep it in. The throbbing south of my hips kept me awake, my smallclothes must’ve been drenched in my juices and thinking of it didn’t make me any less horny. I thought of all the lewd things my lovers could and probably at some point would do to me.

Meanwhile, Jask and Gerald were fast asleep. A part of me hoped so desperately they wouldn’t wake up to what I was about to do. I just needed to take the edge off. But another part of me, the one clouded by my lust, wanted them to wake up to me and see me cuddled up in between them, fucking myself wantonly. I finally needed to go the step, I didn’t dare to, because otherwise I’d never feel Geralt’s huge cock inside and right now my dazed mind couldn’t take that as an option for our eminent prospect of forever.

I needed something inside me, even if it was just my fingers, which didn’t hit the right spots because they were too small, thin and short. I could never angle them the proper way. Other things, I had tried out, worked so much better, but I had no help on hand. Meanwhile, my other hand started rubbing my aching cock that lately had started peeping out from between my folds.

Lewd sounds started spilling over my lips and not even biting into my hand that I ultimately had had to pull out my core could muffle my moans helped at all. I wanted to feel so much more. It just wasn’t enough. There was so much I’d do to feel Geralt’s fingers inside me while Jask gave his attention to my cock and maybe even sucked on my nipples. They could get so sensitive, I had realised a while ago.

I felt Geralt's hot breath in the back of my neck and let out a whimper that was louder than all the others before. I was so close now. This would take the edge off and my head could finally go back to more reasonable thoughts.

Then I realised Geralt's hard rod pressing against me from behind, his massive arm pulling me close. I heard him moan, “Naughty, I love it". I thought if he ever caught me, I'd be frozen in fear, but now that Geralt made me listen to his sexy, raspy voice in my ear, I couldn't stop rubbing until he asked more softly, “You want me to touch you instead?” Immediately I let go of my cock and waited for him.

“Oh yes! Yes, please", I moaned in a quiet plea as I noticed Jaskier's eyelids fluttering. Oh my, he'd be waking up just in time. Wantonly a “Jaskier, oh, Jask", spilt over my lips. I knew I wanted him to watch me at least if he didn't touch me too as his eyes finally opened and he leaned in to kiss me with such exciting, intoxicating lust already, I whined into his mouth when I finally felt Geralt's coarse hands on my throbbing cock. He was so gentle, yet it felt better than anything, I had ever felt before. Now my intent to stay quiet had fallen out of the window and broken all its bones at once. I stood no chance, and my mind was too clouded by weeks of desperation to be quiet at all. I wanted them to hear what they did to me.

“Jask, please”, I whined, gripping his manhood, “Touch me! Please, I wanna feel your hands on my chest” I was jerking him off through his smallclothes, lost and drowning in a deep blue sea of lust as he slipped his hands under my shirt. I only wore a shirt in bed now, there was no need for a binder when I was intending on sleeping. We all knew how badly my ribs needed their well-deserved rest at night.

Then I saw the look in his eyes, the wanton, desperate need he gave off through them and it made me slip my hand under his clothes' hem to palm over his rigid length without anything between us now. He deserved to feel some love too. Jask was such a beautiful, beautiful man and I told him exactly that before I leaned in to kiss him.

For a moment I froze when he actually touched my chest, first feeling it with his flat hand, then he found my sensitive nipples and I let out a loud gasp at the sensation. “Jaskier", I moaned into his mouth as I felt Geralt kissing the spot where my neck met my shoulders, gently sucking some bruises into my skin. I wanted him to bite me so badly, but I knew if I didn't tell him, he wouldn't, even though I also knew how much he liked marking me and Jask. Geralt lived for showing the world that he had laid claim to us, and he made me feel so loved by him.

I noticed how close I had gotten again after Geralt had found the rhythm, speed and gentle force I needed to cum. “Geralt, oh fuck", I whined, rubbing my core against his hand, “Please". My voice broke. Jaskier tugged on my nipples deliciously firmly meanwhile and I cried out in lust. He had found just the rhythm and intensity I needed.

“Please what love?” His cock was still pressing against me, I could feel it throb already. I'd definitely suck it later. I wanted to so badly.

“Bite me", I breathed softly in stark contrast to my loudness before, trying to look at him, glancing behind me over my shoulder before I felt it. Oh, and how I felt it. His teeth sank into my flesh, not enough to draw blood, but surely, enough to send me over the edge and make me cum, spasming and babbling about how good they made me feel and how desperately I had needed this.

I sank into Geralt's torso tiredly, needing a moment to get down my high. I heard the blood in my ears rush and my ragged breathing was so loud now. He pressed his hand against my cock flatly now because I had accidentally closed my legs around his arm and held him in place firmly. I was sure he could break his arm free easily, but the way he kindly smiled down on me and kissed my forehead made me question whether he even wanted too.

It was the first time I had ever been touched like this by anyone and thinking about it drove a strong blush into my cheeks. This had felt better than any orgasm I had ever given myself before. Jaskier leaned in to kiss me while Geralt took the time to sort my messed up locks a bit and I felt like I had truly reached heaven as my breathing finally became even enough for me to tell them a quiet, “Thank you". They deserved it. I felt so safe in their arms.

Then, I heard Jask groan, not sounding like he was in pain, but I could hear a hint of discomfort. Geralt wrapped his free arm around me and pulled me close as I realised, I still had Jask’s hard rod in my hand. Slowly I started rubbing it instead of just clamping down on it. Now the discomfort in his voice turned into desire. I loved hearing him like this. Even his moans had melody, of course, they had, he was a bard after all, skilled with both his pretty mouth and his elegant hands.

I took a moment to play with the sensitive, furiously leaking tip of his manhood before we locked lips and I felt Geralt’s hand pressing against me with gentle force. I couldn’t help but moan, rubbing my butt against his throbbing rod. “Mhh, Geralt, Let’s play with Jask first and then we’ll show you some love too”, I suggested sultry as I turned around awkwardly in bed to grant him a kiss as well. I wanted to feel him some more. One part of me wanted Geralt to finally fuck me and to suck Jaskier off meanwhile, but I was too afraid. I wanted to take my time, so I decided, for now, it would be enough to get up as soon as I heard Geralt’s affirmative grunt and to get on my knees in front of Jask.

He loves getting sucked off and it was so adorable to hear him moan, trying so hard not to spend his load too quickly. I had learned fast and quite well what Jask enjoyed.

Quickly, Geralt pulled him close, picking him up and sitting him down on his lap. Both were sitting face towards me now, Jaskier’s lag dangling off the bed’s edge while Geralt's feet did touch the floor and I knew how hard a very special rod was being pressed into Jaskier’s sensitive flesh due to this position.

He was blushing so much even before I actually leaned down to take his tip into my mouth, giving it a few small licks before. “You should look up to him”, groaned Geralt as he played with Jaskier’s nipples, making his moans higher and so much cuter. When I saw his desperate look and his pink nipples after Geralt had undressed him, I just had to moan around his girth.

“Oh, yes, yes, please!”, he babbled, “Look at me, love! Please look at me!”

Jask had quite the kink for begging too, and Geralt liked hearing it. Admittedly, I did too. Our Jask was such a verbal tease, we loved it.

He was getting so close, the moans spilling over his soft, red, wet glistening lips. Jask was a beauty, especially when he was about to cum. I can’t say it tasted good, but it wasn’t bad either, so I always encouraged him to let me milk him with my mouth. “Jask”, I softly tried to let him know, feeling his cock pulsate inside my mouth, just a second before he came hard. Truth be known, it was more a muffled moan, but I liked to imagine, he realised what I was trying to say. He looked truly gorgeous with Geralt’s strong arms wrapped around his waist and his red cheeks, huffing and puffing.

I swallowed every last drop and got up to wrap my arms around him too. He needed a second to rest before we’d play with Geralt.

“You look so handsome when you suck my cock”, he panted with a dirty smirk, and I couldn’t help but genuinely smile about his silly compliment. I giggled, answering, “Just for you and Geralt!” And while I said it, I let go of him to look at Geralt, who must’ve gotten blue balls by now. I bit my lip at the sight of Geralt checking me out and smiled shyly. They made my heart ache in such a good way. I hope they’d soon make some other parts of me ache too.

Jask climbed off Geralt and involved him a slow but sultry kiss. This would be a bigger challenge than Jaskier, but since Geralt could control himself better than Jask and didn’t thrust up into my mouth, I had never had any strong discomfort or pain. He was so careful and even while Jask was kissing him, Geralt kept glancing down, moaning quietly in a bitten off manner and checking if I was doing okay.

Meanwhile, Jask let his hands roam Geralt’s body freely, finding his sensitive balls in one hand and the nape of his neck under his other. After a while, Jaskier got bored of just kissing and began marking up Geralt with his teeth and lips. Gods, Geralt was beautiful. He was so hot, trying to keep the charade going a little longer as all three of us knew the strings of his patience and composition became undone faster and faster under our touches.

His moans and groans became louder with every flick of my tongue or deeper suck into my mouth. I, however, couldn’t take his entire cock into my mouth is, so I began pumping his base. He was throbbing, I could literally feel his pulse through his length, it may have been slow, but I did feel it. I bobbed my head and hollowed my cheeks to please him, I knew he loved it when I did that.

“Fuck”, he grunted, I knew for a matter of fact he had such a loose mouth when he was horny and just thinking about it made me hard again. His big hand intertwined in my hair and he looked down with this feral, clouded by lust, look, moaning, “Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum! You’re gonna take it, won’t you? You’re gonna swallow every last drop”, with every word it turned more into a growl and the second I looked up to him with my best “I’m yours to use”-look, he came, spurting three times into my mouth and I swallowed just as my eyes had promised him before he leaned down to me, picked me up and placed me over his lap.

Immediately I just cuddled up to him and felt Jask kiss my head softly. I didn’t want to bring up that sucking their cocks made me horny again because I didn’t want to tire them, but I couldn’t help but rub my thighs against each other and sigh at the thought of being touched again. The edge had not been taken off fully yet. I needed more.

In my haze, I heard Jask’s voice, “Want a round two for yourself before we go to sleep, love?”

“I- I, y- yes, please!”, I mumbled, furiously blushing. Geralt fondled my cheek and smiled at me reassuringly.

Jaskier took my hand gently, looking deeply into my eyes, “We both know you like being down on your knees and showing off…”, he giggled, and I just smiled too, “Well, you know, us bards are naturally just good with our mouths, so if you want me to show you too, I’d really like to”.

He was gently blushing too, and I just shakily put his hand on my cheek, as he was leaning into it and I nodded softly. I had never had anyone do such a thing to me and I was scared, but I trusted Jaskier. “Lie down on your back, put your head on Geralt’s lap, love”, he purred, and my fuzzy mind was so thankful for any kind of instruction, so I did just as he told me.

Geralt looked down and smiled softly, pushing the curls out of my face asking, “Can I touch you too?”, quietly, hinting a look towards my chest before I weakly nodded again. I didn’t know what sensation to expect when Jask opened my shaky legs. Why was I even shaking? Maybe it was because deep down I was still scared they wouldn’t love me with the parts I had. Maybe he’d be disgusted, I feared.

When he rubbed over my cock with his finger first, my thoughts and fears weren’t exactly banished, but then he licked a flat, broad strip over my sensitive spots, leaving a wet trail behind and I couldn’t help but gasp. I heard Geralt mutter to Jask, “Jaskier, fuck, do that again, you gotta see that look on his face”. I blushed even more, when Geralt lifted my head just a bit and Jask did that magical thing with his tongue again. It was blissful. But oh, I didn’t realise he could do even more than that.

I slowly lied down again as I felt Geralt coarse hands undress me to run over my hard nipples that now felt so vulnerable out in the formerly cold night air, that had been heated considerably already though. He wasn’t rough, I just wasn’t used to being touched, I realised when a shiver ran down my spine and Jaskier’s mouth closed around my hard, throbbing cock.

“Oh gods, Jask!”, I whined and thrust up, now I understood why he always did it though I hated it because he choked me. He let out a content sigh around my cock and I blushed even harder, searching Geralt’s look. It was feral and he gave me a somewhat strong pinch, testing the waters. When he saw my eyes rolling back, he did it again and then again.

“Fuck, Geralt, don’t stop doing that!”, spilt over my lips that too seemed to loosen up considerably when I was intoxicated by the feeling of lust.

I propped myself up again, looking down to Jask, who had begun bobbing up and down like he was truly sucking a cock. He had this simply happy look in his eyes as if he really just enjoyed playing with me like this. “Oh fuck, don’t stop either! You’re so beautiful, Jask!”, I babbled, grabbing his hair when he swirled my cock around and began sucking harder than before.

I cried out, “If you keep sucking like that, I’m gonna cum so soon!” He made me crazy with lust. Geralt’s hands gave me delicious tugs and pinches meanwhile and I felt myself coming closer and closer when I felt this crazy little will inside urging me to ask Jaskier to fill me even if it’s just with his fingers.

I moaned louder and louder before I pulled on Jask’s hair accidentally, “Jask! Oh fuck, Jask! Please, please put your fingers into me!”, I cried out, shame long subsided, ultimately transformed into lust. I needed to feel it now, just before I was gonna cum.

Then I felt him testing the waters with one finger and I begged him for more, just another finger inside me, made me feel fuller already. My voice had begun to tremble in anticipation.

“Geralt! Jask! I love you! I love you both so much!”, I couldn’t hold back. I truly was drowning in my deep blue ocean of enchanting lust, “I’m gonna cum! Oh, I’m gonna cum now, Jask! Please don’t stop, I wanna cum so badly! I’ve needed this for the past three months already, please, please, oh please!”

I heard Geralt’s reassuring voice, “Don’t worry, love. He won’t stop until you’ve had your fun, you know that, don’t you?”, just as I came, pushing Jaskier’s face between my legs and thrusting my hips up simultaneously without even realising until I heard Jask gasping between my now slowly unclenching thighs.

When I could somewhat normally breathe again, Geralt was cradling me and Jask was sitting next to him with his hand on my cheek. I was so lucky to have them both. I was still catching my breath, but I asked Geralt to move over and make some space for Jask, so we could both cuddle him.

**(NSFW End Warning)**

Jask kissed my forehead, whispering, “I love you too”, just before we all fell asleep.

“And I love you too”, I heard Geralt murmur and wrap his arms around me just a tad tighter while Jask was in my arms, but with his face towards me while mine was buried in the crook of his neck.

I fell asleep with an exhausted smile on my lips. Never had I felt such a thing and if Geralt and Jask felt like this too, I understood why Geralt used to have his fair share of fun in brothels and Jask formerly flirted with almost every living being that had two legs. Nonetheless, I felt loved and so good. I hoped they did too. They deserved to feel this way.


	5. Unkind to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our dear reader needs to get his HRT for the following year and goes to visit Triss, though Geralt isn't particularly loved in Temeria. But when they get there, they can't find Triss and Geralt gets a job quickly. Geralt and our reader argue because their communication skills are horrible, but get it together and cuddle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys c:  
> The next chapter is still in the making and it might take a while for me to get it out because it is a longer and very smutty chapter, but I promise I'll go my best to get it only next Wednesday.  
> Have a wonderful day!

We had to go to Temeria soon, I realised. Though Geralt might not be tremendously welcome there, I had to visit Triss again. I didn’t have the luxury of living with the correct set of genitalia. Meaning, I only had two vials of my potion left and who knew who or what we’d run into on our journey. It was better to be safe than to be sorry, so I told both my lovers about my potions and that I needed to get them for the following 6 months.

Geralt wasn’t very happy about it, but he knew how much I needed those potions. Eventually, I didn’t even talk him into going to Temeria as much as I initially thought I had to. Jask, however, was truly euphoric to finally see Temeria for the first time, after all, he did love travelling, just for the sake of travelling or talking just for the sake of talking like I loved singing just for the sake of singing.

On our way Jask and I had our fair share of fun in the taverns, getting drunk on ale and snogging Geralt when no one looked. Maybe Jask had ruined my last bit of innocence after all because I knew, I could certainly be a pain in the ass too as long as there weren’t many people around because then I’d get all flustered. Geralt had kicked my empathic “gift” loose again and now if I felt too much or didn’t concentrate on just singing in front of a full crowd, I’d get lost in the sea of emotion surrounding me. Way too often Jask had to pull me out mid-performance to let me catch some air and get my mind around fewer disturbances.

Geralt too was so much more concerned than he’d ever dare to tell me. But I still felt it, that look of concern on my back when I got my 3rd ale of the night or the gentle hand on my back signalling me that he’d catch some shuteye, so he wanted me to be more careful from now on. He was simply adorable. Nevertheless, I slowly started to get better now, even without the need of being drunk as a lord, though they certainly started to realise the benefits of having me drunk and needy in their bed.

But when we finally arrived in Temeria, we couldn’t find Triss. She wasn’t at home, her cabin near the king’s palace was locked and empty from what we could gather. Triss couldn’t be bothered with sleeping in the palace, I understood that she wanted her peace and calm, but when nobody opened the door and we waited for more than five hours, I started snooping around for a spare key in the bushes.

“Come on… She should have a spare key around here somewhere! What if something happened?”, I talked to myself. I didn’t need to say it out loud, but Geralt and Jask knew, my actual question was “What if I only have a month of potions left and then my body turns into my worst nightmare and enemy again?”.

And then I found it. Not the spare key, but a message from Triss. A piece of paper in a bottle, so rain wouldn’t destroy it. It read, “Looking for a Witcher on my travels. Temeria needs help. I’ll be back soon”. I didn’t know how I could overlook it before.

I had brought Triss my Witcher! Why couldn’t she have stayed in Temeria? This message only made my mind race more. What if she didn’t come home from her travels? What if my body turned back again? How could I live?

Although over the years, Triss had gotten my friend, right now my panic could only focus on how quickly my body would start hating me again, until Geralt scooped me up, threw me over his shoulder, told Jask to stay right where he was, though he was even more impatient than I was, and walked to the next inn with me.

It was good to have him distract me while we began asking around for Triss. Someone would have to know where she was for sure!

I had to find Triss. We had to find her, but nobody in the nearest inn knew anything about her, so our next stop would be the castle. As we made our way to the door, a man stopped us, “Witcher? You are a witcher, aren’t you? We need your help”. The hair on his head wasn’t entirely grey by now, but soon it would be. Geralt turned around to meet his gaze.

“I can’t right now. We have to find somebody first”, he groaned.

The man grabbed him by his arms urgently, “Please, witcher, we’ll pay anything! Just make that woman stop stealing our boys!”

I chimed in, “Come on, Geralt. Jask and I can find Triss on our own. Besides, I still have a month”.

“But- “

I shook my head, “No but! Just don’t die on us!”

Geralt hugged me, “This monster can surely wait another day. I’m not leaving on a hunt now! Forget it”.

Now the old man, look at me, “You are looking for Triss Merigold?”

I gave him a nod, the side of my face pushed against Geralt’s chest, he hadn’t let go of me yet. He was so comfortable to cuddle, though the looks of the people around us had gotten… weird. I couldn’t care less.

“She left 3 days ago to look for a witcher to help us with our problem. A woman with black hair appeared a few weeks ago and she has begun abducting our boys and men with her charms”.

Geralt groaned, “A bruxa”.

“Point me in Triss’ direction!”, I interrupted.

The man in front of me was taller than me, his hair was starting to become grey already. I looked at him firmly as he said, “She headed North, towards Rinde. I doubt she’s going there though.”

“I’m coming with you!”, Geralt put his hand on my cheek now. I misunderstood his genuine concert for him wanting to control me.

I sighed, “Thank you, I can very well survive on my own! Just hunt this bruxa down and by the time you’re back, I’ll be too”. I wasn’t helpless without the big, mighty, scary-looking witcher I called my boyfriend, though he seemed to enjoy imagining that.

Geralt had this soft look in his eyes, mellowing mine as I looked up to him. He whispered, “I just want you to be safe, love”. I hugged him, putting my head on his chest, so my ear would be over his slow, but doubtlessly warm heart.

“I’ll take Jask with me, don’t worry”, I mumbled, but he had heard it.

Geralt put his hand on the back of my head and sighed, “But what if I lose you both?”

He had made me forget that we were still standing in the inn and people began staring at us, two men embracing each other way too long for it to be socially acceptable, yet I couldn’t bring myself to care. Geralt’s arms were too comfortable and if I had to miss him the next days, I wanted to memories the warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach when he hugged me.

“You won’t lose us”, I looked up again, right into his goldenly glowing eyes of molten amber, quietly adding, “I promise, Geralt”.

Jask should get to hug him too before we split ways for now.

“You should at least say goodbye to Jask too!”, I reminded him.

He looked down with a look of disbelief, “You don’t really think I’d forget to say goodbye to that drama queen? He’d never forgive me”, he exhaled through his nose, not laughing, but slightly smiling.

I grinned too, but then my face turned more serious. I swallowed the knot in my throat, “Geralt?”

He tilted his head, knowing I wanted to talk to him before I even voiced that wish. “When, I, no, we have our first time”, I looked away, then back to him nervously, “Can Jaskier- “, I exhaled loudly, “Can he go first?”

“You’re scared, I’ll hurt you.”, he didn’t ask, he just stated exactly what I was feeling before I nodded, still looking into his eyes.

He hummed lowly, “Of course, I understand. Jaskier is smaller.”

I knew he wasn’t offended, but I still didn’t exactly feel comfortable asking him to wait to use my hole. I felt like, he thought, I might not trust him, though this was entirely not the case. All I was, was just scared of the pain. I once again started thinking and thinking, my thoughts running in circles until Geralt grabbed my face, holding it gently. He had noticed when I became quiet.

“If you hadn’t asked me, dear. I would have asked you. I don’t want you to get hurt!”, he calmly whispered before he kissed me so softly, I couldn’t help but sigh into our kiss gratefully. I loved him so much, my heart ached in a good way. Long forgotten were the annoyingly staring patrons of the inn.

Half an hour later we sat in front of Triss’ house, eating together and cuddling up on the stony ground, we had put a tarp and a blanket onto, so it’d be at least somewhat comfortable. My head was in Geralt lap and I held Jaskier’s hand, who also was sitting more on Geralt than on the blanket. He looked so pretty with the hair in his sun, making it shine and his pink lips, which gave Geralt and me such soft pecks every now and then. I had no doubt, I loved them both. We must’ve given off such a weird scenery, feeding each other berries, giggling and pretending that, when our picnic ended and our ways parted, we’d be fine.

But right now, we were playing out for time, hoping Triss would come back until sundown, so I’d know she’d give Geralt the information about this particular bruxa, not that he needed it, but I was sure it’d greatly help if he didn’t need to stalk her. My mind sunk and sunk into deep depths.

I barely noticed when Geralt began packing the tarp back in his bag, stowing it on Roach’s back before turning back to us messes of bottoms. Although I had to admit Jask was more of a switch, sometimes at least.

Maybe I did need him, my Geralt.

A bit, just a tiny, tiny bit.

Jask just hugged him first while I was still caught up in my own head, standing phased. Gently, Jask, who still held my hand, pulled me closer and Geralt pulled me into his arms too. We all just embraced each other for the moment, breathing quietly and I thought about how differently this goodbye felt from all the other ones we’ve had.

“Oh, so you’ve brought me a witcher! I knew you’d be coming by around now, child. Hey, Geralt”, I heard Triss’ pleasant voice, which startled my sunken mind.

I ran to her, hugging her, “Triss! Yes! Yes, I did!” This was the best surprise. I was so relieved, she was here.

She ruffled through up my hair and we smiled at each other. Meanwhile, Jask still held onto Geralt’s hand but also smiled.

“You need help with the bruxa?”, Geralt asked after Triss and I broke our embrace.

She simply nodded as I looked up to Geralt, who warily inspected her, but nowhere near as threateningly as he normally would because I had just hugged Triss this heartily. I knew they had been acquainted a while ago, so he knew what to expect of her.

Afterwards, we sat in Triss’ cabin for a while. Jask and me, we let the “adults” talk and cuddled up on a fur in front of the fireplace. Both of us knew that Geralt and Triss were so much older and wiser than us, we knew not to get involved in witcher- and mage-business. Neither of us had any formal training and bar fights hardly counted. Geralt could handle this, I believed in him, still, there was this queasy feeling in my guts, every damn time he got out to make the world a safer place.

And I couldn’t even keep him safe.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Geralt get up, reaching to check his potion stock and then giving Triss a nod. He’d hunt tonight. I learned how to read the signs he gave, a long time ago, so it was time to really say goodbye.

I pulled Jask onto his feet, holding onto his hand desperately and stepped across the room. Triss pulled away into her kitchen, granting us a bit of privacy as she saw Geralt’s hand in the nape of my neck. I tried Jask’s puppy doll eyes on him and for the first time, I’ve heard him chuckle I couldn’t help but smile, then kiss him as soon as this wondrous sound stopped managing its way over Geralt’s lips.

Softly, he sighed immersed in peacefulness, the quiet before the storm.

“Jask, Geralt”, I inhaled deeply, bracing myself for what I’d say now, “I think, I want to go all the way when we see each other again”. My face was hot, and I knew I was blushing up to the tips of my ears right now.

“Are you sure, love?”, Geralt put a hand on my cheek, looking down to meet my nervous gaze as I frantically nodded. I wanted him to know, I’d be waiting for him and he needed to come back. Jask wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I sank against his torso. Gently, Geralt planted a kiss on my forehead and then on Jaskier’s, his way of saying goodbye to us.

Jaskier pouted and took Geralt by his collar, “You better come back to us!” I was glad he told that Geralt just as it was. Meanwhile, Geralt nodded with a stoic look on his face. I just knew he’d make his way back, I just knew.

We walked him out, as we always did and Triss did too before she asked us if we wanted some tea. Making tea, taking care of you, that’s the way Triss showed affection and right now I really appreciated it. I held onto Jask’s hand still and then I hugged him, burying my face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. All I wanted, was to be held, though I couldn’t help but feel incredibly egoistic for it. I knew he had to feel like shit too. He always did, when Geralt left.

After a little tea and Jaskier cuddling up in my arms, we felt a bit better. In fact, only now I remembered the reason, we had come to Temeria. I needed my potion vials for the following year from Triss.

So, with Jask’s and my fingers intertwined, like children to ask for a snack, we had come to her kitchen. Triss had already started brewing my potion, I knew that misty green colour in her cauldron all too well. Fearlessly, I gave her my hand as soon as she put her wooden spoon away, so Triss could make sure the potion would work on me.

“It’ll be just a prick, dear, you know that”, she cooed, knowing how much I despised needles, though I knew, I had to go through this. Twelve drops of blood for twelve more months of normality and manhood that ensured said normality. For me, it was a price not too high, especially not if Jaskier was gently squeezing my other hand.

Tomorrow, I’d get my potions in a little case, as always and I remembered how I used to smile to it when I had been younger, before the novelty of feeling normal wore off in the next months. With every potion, I felt more like me. Of course, as soon as the world saw me for who I was, the novelty became the normality.

With a head full of thoughts and Jaskier in my arms, the evening and the night passed with little words and poor sleep without a big, cuddly teddy bear of a witcher.

Just before the sunrise, Geralt finally came home in heavy and dragging steps. Jaskier and I stared at each other, awoken from Geralt’s nightly rumble, scared of how much blood he will have carried home this time. I heard Geralt’s faint whisper in a memory, “It would be unkind to love, I couldn’t bear losing someone just because I have brought them to trudge dangerous roads with me”. He had said that to me just before I had begun following him across the continent.

Now I finally understood what he meant, yet that was my reason to get up and creep towards him. Geralt needed to know, that he didn’t need to be alone. We’d be by his side, no matter what.

“Geralt?”, my raspy voice echoed through the slowly brightening room as he turned around.

I couldn’t see a lot yet, just his cloaked silhouette. “I woke you?”

I gave him a little affirmative noise before coming closer, nodding, Jaskier’s hand in mine. He had awoken with me when Geralt had entered. It was a rare occasion, Jask was quiet, but I felt him quiver. He was just as afraid of what had happened to Geralt as I was. The sun started creeping into the room in gentle eagerness, showing us the first bloody blemishes upon Geralt skin. He was muddy from head to toe.

Jask and I, we didn’t talk, we couldn’t, instead, we took his hands and lead him to the bath, sitting him in a tub and preparing it.

Sometimes we did this when Geralt looked particularly tired or shaken. We’d sit him in a tub and clean him in silence.

This time, Jask and I had started heating the water at night when we had been awoken by the loud rumble of thunder. We weren’t sure when he’d return, but we knew he’d need a bath after an exhausting night of fighting and the storm outside.

Gently and slowly, I removed Geralt’s armour to reveal pale skin and the tense muscles underneath it. Jask brought in the water as I kissed Geralt’s forehead. I took the smaller tub off Jask to pour it into Geralt’s. Jask and I switched, he’d begin to clean Geralt and I’d bring more water.

I was glad there weren’t any broken bones or major wounds, just some nasty cuts and a few rather big bruises forming, but we didn’t need to patch him up majorly this time. He’d heal almost by himself.

By the time Jask doing his magic in untangling Geralt’s hair, the tub was full, and I picked out a bar of soap with almost no smell as to not offend my witcher’s sensitive nose. It wasn’t something Jask or I chose for ourselves most of the time, but Geralt was different and we wanted him to feel all right.

I started lathering Geralt’s arms and chest, quietly humming after he tiredly smiled towards me. Soon, Jask joined and we hummed a children’s lullaby in the end as we were drying him off.

It wasn’t that he was incapable of taking care of himself and getting himself clean after a fight. Much rather we wanted to take care of him in a way we could. He protected us and we wanted to show him that we wanted to be his home. Besides, he was so tired his eyes kept shutting and from experience, a stinky Geralt in bed was better than none, but as he enjoyed being bathed by us, we might as well get a clean and decent smelling Geralt to cuddle us.

Finally, we cuddled up and as soon as I gave Geralt a good night kiss on his cheek, he drifted off and wrapped his arms around Jask and me. I could sleep more calmly now after knowing that Geralt was here and safe. In a couple of hours, we’d talk, and we’d see what Geralt had gotten himself into this time.

Maybe this time he wasn’t going to be as bloody stingy with the details because if he was, he knew, next time, we’d have to come with him again. But with Geralt’s broad chest under my head rising and lowering with each breath, I knew this was something to stew over after a good few more hours of sleep.


End file.
